it went well

other than hudson being uncharacteristically fussy, our appt was fine. the cons were that i felt a bit warehoused, as it is a huge office, and the scale is far away from patient rooms so i am glad i brought a sweater along. the pros greatly outweighed anything negative. i was nervous, and trying to keep hudson happy (he was totally reading my cues! we are attached obviously) and in walked dr h all quiet and smiling...i didnt have to say much. he knew what to say to me! it was weird. i was blabbing on about hudson and he asked how Big Brother was doing with hudson, like he knew straight away that i was having a tough time with august. he reminded me of august's needs changing just like hudson's are, and gave me a script for squashing jealousy. we discussed the cf/sweating concern i had, he encouraged me to nurse past age 2, didn't ask one question about vaxxing, and told me the three snack/meals hudson munches on is too much food and nurse more. he also said he wants me to come back for the 12mo checkup even though it's in less than 2 months so he could meet august and get to know him.
i swear, august and i are the same person, though i must swallow my needs and be the grown-up all day. we are crabby at the same times every day. we don't talk to each other when we are angry. we both want to eat when we want to eat and if anything interrupts it's highly annoying. imagine a really irritating version of yourself in the worst mood possible: that's august and i this evening. and, i had to work it out. jj was here but he can't do much with that. my solution was to acknowledge my own unmet need for being alone, to make a plan for later, and acknowledge august's needs for the moment:eat as much food as possible and get in bed as soon as possible. as i read his favorite books to him i could feel myself relaxing. i used to hate reading aloud, and now it's my absolute favorite part of the day. i go into it feeling all the stress of the day and somehow i am transformed in the middle of grover's first day at school. snuggling with that little boy and listening to him say "night night mommy" in his little voice make me stop and be in the moment for him. we need the connection after the crazy day. he responds in a heartbeat. since he went to sleep at 630 he has been awake twice. i dont mind going down there for him, but sometimes i wish he would go back to sleep for jj. the last time was a few minutes ago, and i got in bed and put my arm over his side. he did the same to me and sighed. it was the best. i'm so in love with bedtime.