can i whine for a moment

houston cried forever this afternoon. gus had a NO EAT night after it took me forever to make his food with crabby babies. he took a gigantor dump in the tub, and i had to get him out and clean him up with two crying babies. i tried to get h to sleep for almost an hour. he only had a half hour nap today at 11 so i know he was tired. i gave up and had to put him down on the floor while i put gus in bed. went downstairs to get laundry that has been in dryer all day and i see stella pooped and peed everywhere. i stepped in it. i then spilled her food and water trying to get her in her crate and i had a Moment. i feel terrible for yelling at her but at least it wasn't one of my boys. hudson started crying and did not stop for almost an hour, even while i held him, slinged, pacing. i folded laundry while he cried, talked to my mom and ktd, cry cry cry. it was awful. i finally got him to sleep now, on me, but we are up in my room with no heat. he has a huge stocking cap on and im freezing because he needs to nurse. man i miss the pacifiers. i still havent eaten since lunch or cleaned up anyone's poop.
all of this is blah blah blah and im not teary because of any of that. this is rather personal. i'm crying because i prayed for patience to not express my anger and frustration in front of my kids and it sort of worked, even though stella got the shaft. i heard bad news about a guy i once babysat with ktd. he passed away yesterday. he was one of two brothers, close in age. how horrible for the family. even with all of the crying and poop i am holding my little boy tight. i don't want to take even one second for granted. i cannot imagine...