finally some storms

short post tonight. i have some reading to do. i would like to make new friends at the api meetings but i dont know if i can make the commitment. just like with the diapers. so ill start small and attend a meeting, without gus, so i can concentrate and see if its for me. my life is so full (blessed but full) so i dont want to disappoint myself. i think there is a reason we wound up at that park as opposed to somewhere else that we visited yesterday. i think the cosmos are trying to tell me something. i think the message is to be more confident about my abilities as a mother and just immerse myself in what i'm doing, parenting my little boys. there is so much joy in just that "simple" task. i analyze too much and have major anxiety issues. hudson is easy. it's gus who challenges me. i work at finding creative ways to let him know he is still the apple of my eye and i am no less focused on him just because i'm not physically holding him. i run my hand through his hair and tickle him all the time. plus he always gives me a kiss and a hug after he has a pants change. i just want to be there for him all the time, not just when i need to say no, or be careful, or whatever.

my favorite things about being hudson and gus' mom:
waking up next to the squinty, smiley faced baby next to me in bed. it doesnt bother me in the least to wake up if it's with him.
watching gus with jeremy and my mom.
the moments when gus does something new, like climb on the coffee table, or say a word clearly
hearing him say, "more" when it's something good for him like vegetables
the 'milk coma' look h has when he is nursing. sometimes when i'm typing i don't notice he's awakened right away and i'll look down and meet his gaze and he'll smile away......
i like being in the thick of it when they are both crying and they cry in unison. their wails tell me it couldn't be any worse so it just has to improve!