today was a lot of things

i am Mom today, not wife, and i'm sorry. some days i can't do both. yesterday i was Mom too, and when the last babe finally quieted at 930 i just wanted to be all alone with no one talking to me. i got in the shower, and stood there still hating the way i just wanted to be alone.
once i get my wish, i find out it wasn't what i needed. silly, frustrating, jello jiggling, a little bit ridiculous for being so angry at my children for their hysterics when i was having my own little freak out fest in my brain...i am uncomfortable in my own skin lately. i woke up in the same way. it was a good day to fight with comcast, i suppose. i got our bill down from 109.79 to 44 something, keeping internet and ADDING digital cable and new lines to the house. all hail the crabby mom, i know i know...apparently if you use words like 'unacceptable' and 'gentleman' you can get what you want instead of my usual route like i took last time R RATED BLOG MOMENT> "you can have your damn box and you can go to hell if you think i'm paying to replace your flipping lines"
this super rate is good for 6 months, at which time we will finally end our cable. i was prepared to months ago, jj was not, and today was supposed to be the day. i feel guilty? even if i don't let gus watch tv, it's still there, tempting me.

i know i wrote an angry poor me post about how i think i look fat, and i do still think that. i am stuck in the limbo of breastfeeding and needing to eat fats and things. this is a short time of my life where i am sacrificing my self confidence to nourish my son, and it is nice to see how i am able to supply all of his food even at almost 9 months. he keeps trying little bits of things but isn't interested. i am interested, though, in water, grilled chicken and endless bowls of green peppers. on the outside i look all better but it never ever ends. i will not be in our christmas cards this year. and i'm still furious with my brother.