calm evening

we swam at my parents' house today instead of napping. i was irritated at first and then just enjoyed myself. this life of ours is child-led, but that doesn't mean i have to like what the child is leading me to, if that makes sense. i am not about to engage in a war over sleeping! besides, they conked out in the car on the way home at 7 so i've been alone for an hour and a half already. i should have the laundry folded by now but i've been haunting the api forums.
last night was neat. i was expecting aunt lori and her family to drop by with free toys, good stuff like duplo legos and books. they were all at a chiefs game and didnt get here until ten. lori and dave were a little tipsy but funny. i was nursing h since he woke up right before they got there. she nursed her kids forever and coslept (i call it extreme cosleeping since they stayed in bed with them for years) so i never hide anything around them. i don't hide it for others' benefits, i just want to be left alone. i DO NOT want to hear about how hudson 'should' be sleeping in his crib or doing ANYTHING besides what he is doing. anyway i was pretty exposed, and my oldest cousin joe plops down next to me and looks at the baby, and most people would go "oh i didnt know you were nursing" and then move away. he just kept looking. they all did. and they talked about how big and healthy he is because he is nursing; how his skin is so soft and supple from the breastmilk nutrition, how is he doing sleeping in our bed, etc etc............and it was so normal.
i love them. i have heard for so so long about how not normal they are but those kids are the happiest, most self-confident and social boys i know. they all have their own identities and enjoy hanging out with each other. when i was that age i hated everyone except anna and my grandma and i was generally a scary person. i do not want that for my boys.

last night i had a dream that not only was i pregnant again, i was due on the same day as hudson's birthday and it wasn't jj's baby because i had cheated on him with a REALLY ugly mexican guy. i was sad that my baby was destined to be ugly. the guy kind of looked like freddy. all i'm going to say.