after the kids go to bed and i do some mindless activity to wind down (run, sew, stare at facebook or the api website) i think about the highlights and lowlights of the day. sometimes there is more good than bad, other times its the opposite, and i usually think of a few ways to improve the next day. i've really been working hard at trying to get august to avoid major meltdowns. he has had them occasionally, but never was a fit-thrower but since the beginning of the summer he has really grown. he uses logic, tells stories, and is very observant about how others are treated and what they do. his newfound mental abilities also came with a great selective memory so i have to repeat everything over and over. i didn't know how exhausting this was until i was in the thick of it, so it's rough.
i hate to think about the tantrums as "losses" on my part, because i'm not out to win him over or control him, i just don't want him to freak out. i know that, come 4pm, august needs a balanced meal, a bath because he has been playing outside all day, and lots of snuggles and books. however, he doesn't think he needs those things, and if we are all going to survive until tomorrow we have to pretty much convince him. the times i've tried to force him to put on pj's as best i could it was ridiculous...he is huge, what's the point...
i'm trying to see it not as a fight but as a way to further develop his independence and reasoning skills. it is highly annoying, though, to hear "I NO TAKE BATH RIGHT NOW. MY TAKE BATH NEXT WEEK! I BE STINKY!" over and over and over
tonight i came to a realization. once in a while i go in to do bedtime snuggles with him (daddy reads since he's home at night but i still have the magic touch) and he is all kicks and hits and snarls. i know from my connection parenting skillz that he needs a connection and there is a need i have to fulfill and i try everything to get him to be calm and lay still. sometimes it takes forever, and sometimes i just tell him that hitting hurts, lets lay down, quiet legs, etc and he conks out. tonight, i was done. i didn't yell, scream, shame, i just let him know that i was not going to tolerate being hit and kicked. that's not nice, i don't deserve to be treated that way, i don't hit and kick him so i was going to leave. i gave him a second chance to stop, he didn't, so i came downstairs and he flipped out in his bed.
it breaks my heart when this happens, because i know that snuggles will cure it and relax him, but it has to be his idea to allow me into bed. he is growing up and i have to let him be independent and live with the disappointment of me not laying with him. it hurts me, i'm not letting him cry it out because of course i went back in to see if he was ready to snuggle and he was...but i know that he is able to make these little decisions bit by bit and i am able to keep calm and not get hurt.
parenting these boys is really hard lately.
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2 comments:
i just want to say that i admire the way you handle bedtime. i wish i had started cultivating that kind of patience when my boys were as young as yours are. i am just now holding myself to a higher standard of patience and loving kindness toward my boys, but wish i had done it all along for two reason: a) i'd have fewer regrets and painful/shameful memories and b) i'd probably be better at it now.
hope this makes sense. it's hard, but i think worth it to try to work with him and let him think things through and make decisions. i also think it was right to communicate to him in a patient way that you would not tolerate being hit. he will get it. patience is so hard, but you are one of the most patient mothers i know. i admire you a lot for that quality, among others. :-)
i really appreciate your comment! it's so hard to do this...i keep thinking i'm being too lenient, then i remember that he is little and it is 'normal' behaviour. i don't want him to think that i don't love him when he is upset and angry. i have anger issues and i don't want those to transfer. unconditional parenting was an eye-opener for me...i don't intend to follow UP completely but i definitely agree that my kids should know they are loved no matter what they are feeling. my patience is tried nightly, though, and i get so frustrated...ugh.
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