on the other side

i broke through the 'wall' of disconnection. apologies were exchanged much earlier but it took me a little bit more time and space to be accepting. what a learning experience this has been. i've been upset plenty of times, but there is no where to hide. i can't stop eating, now i cannot even leave for a few hours. i struggled to cope, so i turned inward and was silent. not silent like when you're nine and pissed at mom for not letting you wear blue eyeshadow to school, just silent. i did a lot of mental work while being quiet and i allowed myself to feel deeply hurt instead of getting angry and my usual routine of furiously cleaning and trying to 'purge' the bad feelings. that part of me is immature. i just decided to keep feeling what i was feeling and it would subside like any physical hurt would. i hope i dont keep rehashing it.
after kt left today i felt better and calm enough to read. i want to feel all of my feelings so that my boys will as well. i want them to be complete like that, so that they are good partners and friends who are able to communicate in a healthy way. i am going to sleep on my fresh sheets and bedspread......................mmm