tired mommy

im sitting here exhausted and frustrated that h wont sleep tonight unless he is with me. but i started to think about my pregnancy and how lucky i am to have this sweet boy in my arms. from 16 weeks on it was shaky. i only remember crying in pure fear once, when i was 28w. it was the day i was put on turbutaline. i was pissed because miss ncb here heard it could 'cause autism.' it is probably fine but i didnt want to take it. of course the alternative was worse. so i finally took my pill and the shakes and rapid heartbeat began and so did contractions. my mom was there so she wrote down when they were happening. they slowed so she went home but of course it picked up again. i took another pill and i felt like i might vibrate off the couch. no change. i absolutely lost it. it then felt real, instead of it feeling like it was just a bad dream. i was so scared. i had no control over my pregnancy. it's totally true. after all of that he wouldnt come out, and when he finally did that glorious day i felt calm and whole, not just a pregnant person. i thought it was all over but i got the call about the cf test when he was 13 days old. i cant go there right now. anyway, i dont ever want to take a second of time with my kids for granted because they are little miracles. thats why i want to do it again.