two boys & a pug

quick comment

2009-08-08T23:25:00.002-05:00

i absolutely hate the commercialization and marketing of CRAP to children. when I was pregnant with august and facing two baby showers i pleaded with people:NO DISNEY. i hate hate hate disney. i hate clothes with GAP on the front. i will buy gap clothes if on sale and not branded with their logo. my children are not unpaid advertisers. it's bad enough that they get to watch a few things on dvd, but tv is out of the question now that august is getting old enough to notice commercials. i try to limit their exposure even to the dvds, because i get so tired of the constant begging to watch them.
i, however, was not the mom in joann fabrics, at bedtime, with a squirmy toddler strapped to her back. i was not the mom who bought said toddler spongebob squarepants flannel to get him to stop yelling "DUB DUB DUB DUB BOB BOB BOB DUB" across the store. i was also not the mom who stayed up late making a blankey out of the flannel for the toddler and will be getting up early to make one for the toddler's older brother who will be insanely jealous and freak out until he, too, has a DUB DUB blankey. sigh.

breastfeeding

2009-08-05T20:02:00.002-05:00

it was the world breastfeeding week celebration tonight at the riverfront. i went last year with h in a sling and felt awkward. tonight i was so relaxed and excited to see all those people there for support of women breastfeeding! woohoo! august and hudson had a blast eating suckers, apples and popcorn and i got to oogle chubby babies and pretty slings. i also found out we qualify for WIC due to jeremy's layoff status so i'm totally going to apply for that tomorrow. it's all healthy food that we buy anyway and it includes fresh fruit and veggies, whole wheat bread, non-sugar cereal...
i walked around with h on my back in the Beco and i felt super proud of myself. from the second i had to stop nursing august i was determined to nurse my next baby and since i worked so hard i don't want to stop. why would i stop now? just because hudson is a giant and likes to stand on his head doesn't mean he is done nursing. i think he's had about a cup total of cows milk since he has been born, no formula, and look at him...picture of health. i'm proud of all the nights spent with an aching back trying to keep him asleep in bed next to me...the hours and hours i spent NAK because i wasn't ready to go to sleep yet, eating the weirdest snacks that were all dairy-free...i'm proud of the feeling i got looking at his eyes roll as he fell into a deep sleep nursing tonight after much fighting and struggling against sleep. i'm also proud of august, who doesn't nurse but chooses to snuggle with his head on my chest "my hold you" so he gets his snuggles in, too.
breastfeeding is so much more than feeding a baby and i'm going to keep on keepin on if you know what i mean. hudson loves his Ny Nys!

three day weekend

2009-08-03T21:07:00.003-05:00

i'm counting today as a weekend day, too, because i didn't have to babysit so we sat around and played until my coffee kicked in and i turned into a cleaning tornado..............
we went to taylor's first birthday party. the dress/shirt turned out really well. i used an amy butler pattern for an empire waist shirt but made it big with cuffed sleeves so she can wear it for a long time (provided it doesn't fall apart!) I wanted to make leggings to match but i couldn't find any orange knit so i'm on the lookout for something i can repurpose. the party was nice and i felt so welcomed and loved. it's interesting because i don't see those people very often anymore but they are like family to me. the boys had fun. hudson decided to say a bunch of new words and show off his skills. it cracks me up that even though i am extremely anal about what the boys eat and making sure it's balanced and healthy, the new words were 'chicken nug' 'chee-booger' 'num nums' sigh.........he really enjoys playing with the wooden pizza party set too, cutting slices of toy pizza for me. i wish they were real slices of pizza but that is a forbidden food right now.
today august got out our bible and was flipping through it, 'reading' it to himself. i asked what it said and he read the story: "Three little pigs drive up a hill. They drive fast fast fast. Then they go down hill nice and slow. Ok the end!" LOL
we hung out at the inlaws' farm all day yesterday. it was incredibly relaxing and such a nice day out. i sat on the driveway in the breeze and smelled the sweet corn pollen...i love that smell. that and the noisy bugs at night make me happy. late summer. we'll be squeezing in our last days of swimming soon (i can't believe i'm saying that already) and then august will start "preschool" in our house. my only objectives are to 1. work on what numbers mean (can count to fifty but doesn't know what fifty means) 2. learn how to write, starting with home made montessori sandpaper tracing letters. other than that it will be art projects, cooking, running around, making messes, sorting things, copious amounts of nature time... all the normal stuff we do anyway.

a win and a loss

2009-07-30T22:06:00.002-05:00

after the kids go to bed and i do some mindless activity to wind down (run, sew, stare at facebook or the api website) i think about the highlights and lowlights of the day. sometimes there is more good than bad, other times its the opposite, and i usually think of a few ways to improve the next day. i've really been working hard at trying to get august to avoid major meltdowns. he has had them occasionally, but never was a fit-thrower but since the beginning of the summer he has really grown. he uses logic, tells stories, and is very observant about how others are treated and what they do. his newfound mental abilities also came with a great selective memory so i have to repeat everything over and over. i didn't know how exhausting this was until i was in the thick of it, so it's rough.

i hate to think about the tantrums as "losses" on my part, because i'm not out to win him over or control him, i just don't want him to freak out. i know that, come 4pm, august needs a balanced meal, a bath because he has been playing outside all day, and lots of snuggles and books. however, he doesn't think he needs those things, and if we are all going to survive until tomorrow we have to pretty much convince him. the times i've tried to force him to put on pj's as best i could it was ridiculous...he is huge, what's the point...

i'm trying to see it not as a fight but as a way to further develop his independence and reasoning skills. it is highly annoying, though, to hear "I NO TAKE BATH RIGHT NOW. MY TAKE BATH NEXT WEEK! I BE STINKY!" over and over and over

tonight i came to a realization. once in a while i go in to do bedtime snuggles with him (daddy reads since he's home at night but i still have the magic touch) and he is all kicks and hits and snarls. i know from my connection parenting skillz that he needs a connection and there is a need i have to fulfill and i try everything to get him to be calm and lay still. sometimes it takes forever, and sometimes i just tell him that hitting hurts, lets lay down, quiet legs, etc and he conks out. tonight, i was done. i didn't yell, scream, shame, i just let him know that i was not going to tolerate being hit and kicked. that's not nice, i don't deserve to be treated that way, i don't hit and kick him so i was going to leave. i gave him a second chance to stop, he didn't, so i came downstairs and he flipped out in his bed.

it breaks my heart when this happens, because i know that snuggles will cure it and relax him, but it has to be his idea to allow me into bed. he is growing up and i have to let him be independent and live with the disappointment of me not laying with him. it hurts me, i'm not letting him cry it out because of course i went back in to see if he was ready to snuggle and he was...but i know that he is able to make these little decisions bit by bit and i am able to keep calm and not get hurt.

parenting these boys is really hard lately.

still around

2009-07-20T21:34:00.004-05:00

i didn't go anywhere. we dumped our cable and internet service not because of cost but because of the constant draw of screen time. for a month we had nothing, then i got internet access on my phone so i was able to look at a few sites and reconnect. we recently got internet service back up so jeremy can do his job search from the house instead of having to rely on public computers.

we are all doing fabulous. august had his third birthday a few weeks ago and we got him a basic starter set of the Plan City. i highly reccomend plan toys because of their responsible use of 'waste' trees for making the toys and paying a fair wage to workers in thailand. plus, the products are freaking awesome. my parents bought several add ons to the set as it's expensive and funds are tight around here. we had a nice party for him the week later and he still sings happy birthday to himself.

i've been working to perfect our house, painting and changing things. our room is now an adult bedroom because we don't cosleep with husdson anymore. i miss it but he can't stay up there until he is able to do stairs alone. august likes to visit in the middle of the night after he wakes up to go potty. we are pull-up free now and it's awesome. he's so big. i am going to post more often but it won't be much more than what he and his brother do because there is so so much...every day there is something new and exciting.

my favorite so far: at the park last week august looked up at me and said, "my a big boy, but my a little boy too, mama. my hold you." 'my hold you' is his way of saying PICK ME UP! love love love love. i adore the way hudson shakes his head and goes 'ya ya ya Ny Ny!" when i ask him if it's time to go night-night.

they are both obsessed with watermelon, Cars movie(august will tell you by name the ones he has to buy to complete his collection), tractors, friends, the sandbox, my protein bars that i have to share every morning...

i cannot sit still

2009-05-14T23:07:00.002-05:00

and sitting still is somethign i have to do in order to be online. i've been running, running every day and sewing, and painting, and GARDENING.........
my mom got me seriously hooked on the plant thing. i got my first pot all planted, let gus plant a cherry tomato start that he named Cookie Plant, we did the garden which is coming up...and i can't wait to dig up the east side of the house to do something there. the cuteness of the house is all on one side.
i havent used the dryer in a week. all the clothes go on the line. we are pretty much living outside. we went for a hike last saturday and saw all the green-august pointed out how different it looked than last time, just a few weeks ago, when everything was pretty much all brown. we saw 5 wild turkeys, a pheasant, and one deer in an hour!
mothers day was spent with both sides of our family meeting in the middle at miller park in bloomington. we spent all day there and toured the zoo at the end. august had a blast, and hudson perked up when he was plopped in the beco for a while to relax.
i have fallen in love with taboule. hudson knows 9 words now, including apple, and he has climbed up into august's toddler bed to take a nap. august is learning how to pedal on a trike, and will be getting a balance bike soon. we have already encountered enough splinters and scraped knees for me, but i'm sure the season will bring many more.
we've been in our house for two years now and i love it more every day. i love it for what it is and i do not wish it to be something it is not: new, spacious, drywall-smelling. i love the homey way it smells and the way the sun shines in august's room in the morning. i love the way our backyard tree makes the yard seem room-ish and private. i don't even mind the lack of a dishwasher. i love our kitchen.
i've taken a forced night off from running due to a throbbing knee, but i've plowed through ten pounds already and it feels so so good. i have pics to post of all my the things going on around me, and i promise to post them soon.

it was a stressful day

2009-05-04T20:55:00.001-05:00

but i'm about to make it end positively. it will be my 2nd attempt today, but i am going to go running, for real. it has been so so long. please cheer me on. this is a good thing.

rain rain go away

2009-04-27T21:27:00.002-05:00

i usually love rainy days but not today. it was "dry" for a few hours this afternoon so i took the boys out to clean out the garage. i let them dig and roll and mush in the dirt/mud while i swept and organized the outdoor stuff in the garage. since we don't have a shed, it is home to all of our outdoor toys, the grill, our chairs, etc. we moved to this house two years ago, and up until now i have left the garage as 'jeremy's domain' but i couldn't stand it any more. it's not his fault, if i would let him have a few child-free hours to get stuff done.... :-)
august had a freak out yesterday after i gave him some benadryl for a stuffy nose and sneezing. he screamed for almost 3 hours, then fell asleep within a minute of laying down at 545 and slept all night. today he was very chipper and talkative to the point that i had to remind myself of how distraught i was over his speech delay a year ago. i had to bring the boys inside separately due to hudson being covered in mud, so i gated gus in the back yard while i undressed h. i could see and hear gus from the window so it didn't worry me. i had my back to the window and i could hear him singing the ABCs louder and louder until he was shouting so i turned to look. he was standing on the bench in the yard, peeing and yelling. good thing we have a fence.

my wuv you too, gus.

2009-04-24T22:25:00.001-05:00

august asks to be picked up. he puts his head on my shoulder, pats my back and looks up at me.
"mama, gus happy."
i tell him mama is happy, too.
"okay. my wuv you mama." pat on back again.

big day for gus

2009-04-23T21:50:00.003-05:00

nice weather out today. i started my bread dough, my first attempt. i just did a simple whole wheat recipe. it was relaxing to knead the dough. i borrowed my mom's giant stainless steel bowl and used her bread board. it takes hours to rise, reknead, etc so i had to do the actual baking at my parents' house since we were headed there late afternoon.

anyway we started with lunch on the front porch-i made burritos and chicken nuggets. delicious. then we went for a walk and played in the back yard. i packed up the boys and pj's and we went to the bus residence. i left hudson with my mom and walked up to the bus barn to wait for my dad to return from his route. august and i chatted while we waited. he decided he wants a school bus birthday cake, so i better get planning. once my dad pulled up, august was very somber because he is a little overwhelmed when his toddler dreams come true. he is the same way when jj's dad takes him on the tractors down on the farm. dad had a short trip around the block planned, and we drove by their house to honk at hudson and grandma. we saw how the wipers go swish swish swish, the door goes open and shut...it was so awesome.

my mom made a yummy dinner of low fat meatloaf, sauteed spinach, fresh veggie tray and potatoes. my bread turned out great. it's delicious and i'm ready to do a harder recipe next.

happy earth day.

2009-04-22T20:45:00.002-05:00

it was beautiful outside today. we had to wait until after lunch to go out because of two nappers and lunch, but once we went out it was nice. i didn't have time to 'do' anything to celebrate earth day other than let all the kids play with the earth-sand and water and dirt and grass. it was wonderful to feel the sun on our faces and get all dirty. they all had baths when we went inside, which opened up the after-dinner hour for a walk.
i've been bummed all winter thinking about how i'll miss my after dinner walks of last summer. most of the time it was to get some time where i wasn't holding or wearing a crabby baby. i would start out hot, stressed, almost manic and by the end of the workout (double strollers kick my butt every time!) i'd be hot, elated that i exercised, feeling more centered and ready to tackle bedtime. this year we have much earlier bedtime so it will be tricky. i'd be willing to make dinner at 430 to get our power walks in. they are so so important to me because that is my wind-down time with the boys.
anyhoo, all day i could hear the heartbreaking sounds of chainsaws in two different directions. how awful to cut down two beautiful trees on earth day! i decided to take the boys to see each tree to learn about the rings and smell the scent of fresh cut wood. we felt the dampness of the wood and studied the rings. we held a chunk of wood and talked about how it's different than a stick, even though they both are part of the tree. august said, "poor tree. bye bye old tree!" as we walked away from the one on california. boo.
my heart is heavy tonight. i don't want to elaborate here, but my earth day is not ending on a positive note. i thought it was significant enough to mention.

being busy is overrated.

2009-04-19T19:09:00.002-05:00

we were so busy for the past week. childrens museum. easter. monday crazies of cleaning, dog maintenance, laundry. tues we went to the farm so gus could ride tractors. wed babysit. thurs playdate, shopping with mom, coffee with the AP ladies. friday babysit. sat and today we were up in the suburbs visiting my sister and brother in law. it was only our 2nd overnight since hudson was born, and i think it went great! since the kids spent most of the day asleep in the car i let them stay up late. we were at toys r us playing until 830! we did a family cosleep (with gus too) and i LOVED it.
i am just so so tired. i can't do that like i used to. h 'sleeps' maybe 3 nights a week now. the rest of the nights are incredibly difficult. he has been moderately chewing on his fingers and i found two molars coming up, so maybe once they pop through we will be better sleepers. i remember when gus had those come through his sleep was atrocious, and he has always been a good sleeper. hudson is in a good mood all day, eating a ton. i couldn't even knit much on the drive back. it was making me more drowsy.
i used sunscreen on august friday afternoon, and he broke out in hives all over his face and ears where i had applied it. hudson already had hives from eating a strawberry. i broke down and gave them benadryl because august looked so swollen like he had been in a fight. it is full of red #40 though, evil evil evil. i am unsure of what to do about the sunscreen thing. i'm going to research it for a more natural option, because we are outside all summer long.
i'm going to go start my dough for pretzels. jj and i are worn out but in the mood to continue our weekend of eating whatever we want, then tomorrow it's crunch time. he's even doing a cleanse, something i have to put off until hudson weans. *hopefully before he's 10

this week so far

2009-04-09T20:56:00.003-05:00

i made a new purse. i'm in love with it because it has all of my favorite colors and fabrics. it's very simple but functional (how i love all things that i wear/use) and i can fit a few cloth dipes in it if i need to run somewhere with the boys. it sounds odd to be so excited about a project but in only a few hours i made something i love that i could never find in a store.
we went downtown to eat lunch like the 'workers' eat, according to gus. i love the adams street deli. yum. then we went to explore the big library. i got gus several books-inch by inch, swimmy, a book about dinosaurs....i found the unschooling manual i've been dying to read and also a cookbook about whole foods for little ones.
grandma bus came over so i could go get my hair CHOPPED off-i look sexy with my hair all club ready and i'm in pajamas) and then we dyed easter eggs. it was my first time since childhood and it brought back lots of fun memories. august was fascinated. we only did 14, the perfect amount for a toddler attention span. the smell of the vinegar and eggs really brought me back. i never eat them since i despise eggs, but the boys will!
tomorrow: playdate with sydney and his mom, daycare all day, jj home all day YES! i love my husband. he has been sacrificing sleep so i can get rest and avoid a migraine. my little one decided to go nuts after he started walking.

hey, warm weather?

2009-04-07T22:23:00.002-05:00

i want OUT of my HOUSE. i jumped at the chance to go to the fabric store to buy a package of needles. i spent gas and time on just that today. i took august along, who sang twinkle twinkle little star in the store and i gave the evil eye to two perfectly done-up moms with their really expensive strollers and designer sunglasses. gag. i just want to take my kids for a walk! come on spring!
i did a lot of odds and ends today. i really wanted to bake bread. i've been wanting to make it for months but i kept finding bargains/coupons for the good bread at the store, so i've put it off. we were down to half a loaf. however, couldn't find my loaf pan, realized my giant kneading bowl had a crack in it...the universe was against me today. it's too bad, since i had free time, but i filled it by finishing my new bag(it's super fabulous), painting a dino on august's face (he thought it was totally awesome-"Look mommy! DINO! on my face!" we made brownies and i taught him how to read a recipe by looking at pictures. he doesn't know what 1/4 means but he can match it up to the measuring cup with 1/4 on it!
i vaccuumed, i got hudson to say thank you, we looked at cookbooks and yummed at the pictures of food...i guess it's better to be bored. this weekend will be filled to the max with activities. friday i have daycare all day, plus sydney is coming for the afternoon. i will be TIRED friday night. thank god jj is home and on dinner duty. saturday, we are heading to meet jj's side of the family at the kids' museum in good old BNL for our easter gathering. sunday is dinner out with my side and then an egg hunt at my parents' house. whew. expect lots of pictures next week.

holy cow

2009-04-04T16:23:00.003-05:00

no wonder hudson hasn't been sleeping well. he has had a communication explosion. he 'sings' along with me for certain songs. he is making several animal noises/car noises. he has learned a bunch of new signs like all done, eat, and drink. also, i always put him on the potty before his bathtime to get him used to it. he usually sits for half a second, gets up and pees on the floor. last night i put him on it, he looked down, looked up at me and smiled and peed in the potty! i was so excited for him. gus came in and congratulated him and helped flush it down the toilet. i know he is a little young for it but he was around for august's PL'ing so i'm not too surprised. we'll just keep doing what we're doing. i'm sure it's because i'm in the middle of making him bigger diapers-he won't need them by the time i'm done sewing.
we hiked at the nature center today. jj wore hudson, who slept most of the way. i helped gus up the steeper steps, but he got to lead. i'm trying to be more CC when possible. it's helping me relax and not get too into my ocd issues with the kids. what this meant was letting august do his thing. he did really well. instead of worrying he would fall down the hills i left my hand out for him to hold onto, not me holding his hand. i let him climb and run and sniff, and trip a few times. we talked about how everything was brown except for a few bits of green starting. we did the long trail, about 2 miles of hills. we found an empty snail shell, some rose quartz, lots of bugs, and a grey squirrel. he likes to look at the owls in the building and hoot at them. i would go there every weekend, if i could.
i'm trying to expose the boys to nature as much as possible. at night we close our eyes and feel the sun on our faces, the wind blowing through our hair, and smell the fresh air. it's really relaxing. we have a great book that i bought just because it has some similar lines in it-plus it ends with going to sleep...

we made stuff today

2009-04-01T23:08:00.002-05:00

i finished my diaper tonight, and while it doesn't look the greatest it will work. it is a rough copy of the tiny tush, same size and everything. i just suck at topstitching so it's all uneven. topstitching is not what makes a good diaper, though, so woohoo for me. now that i have made the pattern i'm going to start cranking those out. i only have green and blue PUL though so i'll get tired of those colors soon. i found that if i cover the outside in a print the fabric wicks. making the diapers this way is super cheap and i can size them specifically.

august made me speechless today. really, the way i felt/feel is beyond words, so i'll just say that i thought my heart was going to explode with pride and happiness. getting him to do anything creative has been like pulling teeth. he doesnt' want to paint, color, draw, build, etc. i always offer and make the big mess and he will play for 2.5 seconds and get bored. i even let him play with that awful color wonder crap that stifles creativity and he still didn't want to. today i told him papa bus' birthday is tomorrow and he was all about painting a card. i have never seen august draw or paint anything specific. he always scribbles. today he was a different boy.

i have some higher quality tempera in rainbow colors, so i put it all on a pallet and gave him several sizes of paintbrushes. he went right to work and painted on a blank card. i could recognize the shapes, and he confirmed what i thought they were: a caterpillar and a sun. wow. i asked him if he wanted some big paper to paint on. yes. first sheet: he began to make a mound of reds, yellows, oranges on the paper that was really vibrant and rich. i commented that he was using good color and it made me happy. he said, "mommy, peach! giant peach!" he was painting a scene from james and the giant peach, a movie he watched last week. he was fascinated by the bugs and peach. i just stood there, holding my breath, and he added the tree the peach was hanging on, and then the blue sky....

i know kids go through phases, but it nearly broke my heart that august wouldn't paint and color with me for these past months. i have no outlet for that (HUGE) part of me other than working with my kids. soon, very soon, i will have a studio and all will be well again...i have big plans for my overhead projector...but the feeling of watching creativity emerge from him all at once was one of the most amazing things i've ever seen. i will hold this jewel of a memory forever. i hope he makes many many more paintings.

all over the place

2009-03-31T16:36:00.004-05:00

i can't focus today. i had that problem last night, too. i'm tired as usual due to hudson waking at 5am. his nap was 20 minutes this morning on jeremy while i was showering. i really wanted to work on a diaper but i couldn't wrap my head around the construction. it was overwhelming, like how i used to feel when i was learning something new in math class. however, i really wanted to sew something, to get in a groove for the day. i decided to make a pair of pants for august out of the rest of some cars fabric i had sitting around. they are pretty tight and slim fitting pants due to not a lot of fabric, but they look so cute on him. i made them boot cut so they look like yoga pants. the print is ugly but he LOVES it.
it only took me like half an hour to make them, then he put them on and had to go outside to ride his tractor and show the neighbor his new pants. he showed everyone. we went on a short walk and then paraded up and down the block. i'd add the pic right now but the camera is in h's room. august asked me to take his picture on the big camera and then one on my phone to send to daddy.
after the boys went to bed i cut up an old cereal box to make a pattern for hudson's diapers. i really like the tiny tush brand, so i copied as best i could. i will not make them one-size, though, so no snaps needed. the liner is super soft microfleece. i like that better than suedecloth. i have never enjoyed making diapers but once i get it right it will pay off big time. i have gotten 3/4 of the way done, ran out of elastic for the back and need to topstitch. i wish i had money for more fabric. i want to make a new bag.

outsider perspective=my life sucks

2009-03-30T21:13:00.002-05:00

i disagree, though there are parts of it that do suck, majorly, and no tweaking can solve the problems. i've been all proud of myself on my own no-cry sleeping tactics with the boys until i described a typical night to a friend who isn't a mom yet, and she looked at me with terror in her eyes. i guess life does suck at night. however, i guess it "works" for me, so i will keep my program going until someone grows up a bit more and i have to change it. things that make my life interesting in the evening: i do bedtime alone, every night. even when jj is here i do bedtime alone since that's what the boys are used to. i absolutely refuse to let either one cry, let alone cry to sleep because it doesn't do anything but make me feel awful and produce unrestful sleep for sad kids :-( another thing is that hudson nurses quite often still, and i am in the process of teaching him to fall asleep without nursing. it's going very well, but he still wakes as frequently.
but, even as our routines are non-elaborate and easy to follow, they wear me out. they both wake for the day at 7 or so. august doesn't nap and will not let me nap so there's that....hudson will take a nap, though i'm very lucky to get 45 min out of him so i can get the lunch dishes done. oh how i miss the afternoon craft time i used to have....baths and bedtime started before 7 every night. i nurse and rock h and he goes in his crib. read 3-150 books to august, sing a random song, talk about his favorite part of the day and what he has planned for tomorrow(my fav part of the day) and then i lay with him and snuggle for a few minutes.
quiet time follows, but hudson will wake 2-3 times before i even go up to bed at 11. sometimes it takes up to a half hour to get him to sleep each time and stay asleep in his crib. sometimes i do it over and over and he freaks out every time i lay him down and then i want to freak out. i bring him up with me still to cosleep at 11 because i like having him with me. i get my craft/cleaning time in at night but like tonight i am exhausted and unable to sew. hudson will wake me to nurse/snuggle several more times tonight, and i will wake up each time. august might wake once (he does maybe three times a week) and i am the only one who can settle him. plus, when i get out of bed to go get him back to sleep i wake up hudson who will cry with jj up here until i come back to bed.
all of this sounds crappy but typical for an infant but hudson is not an infant any more. i have just kind of accepted it and it seemed like my version of normal until i got that outsider perspective. i am bone tired every day. i feel better, mood-wise, due to my wonderful medication and diet and exercise, but i am just worn out. i have not had a real full night's sleep (more than 6 hours) in almost two years. i lost my opportunity for a nap last fall. can you believe i want another child? the one thing that will absolutely hold me back is hudson's sleeping habits. i will not get pregnant until he is sleeping better. i doubt he will sleep through the night for a long time yet, but better is, well, better. i cannot do what i do and have a newborn to cosleep with. once hudson hits 18months, he will move in with gus to a double bed and i will get to redo their room into a boys' room. and then i will sleep, hopefully, until i have another tiny little one to do it all over again with. hopefully.

'vacation'

2009-03-28T18:54:00.003-05:00

we're poor (jeremy's on unemployment this week) so we wanted to do something fun but cheap this week to get gus out of the house. the weather has been crappy but we found a nice afternoon on thursday to have a healthy lunch and do fun things. first we went to the library since we do that every thursday so gus can play with the puzzles and i can renew my knitting book. i'm almost done with the sweater. i checked out several books for august and hudson since we've been doing a lot of reading. in fact, wednesday jj and i spent all of hudson's birthday money on books for him and we got some good stuff-Mike Mulligan and His Steam Shovel was a favorite of mine when little so i hope it will be one of their's, too.
anyway after the library we went over to lakeview museum to look around their store and explore the childrens' area. august thought that store was the best thing since sliced bread. he is so good at stores and doesn't get into anything. he plays and touches things but is very careful. i love taking him in new places because he is all "Look mommy! Look!" about everything. he understood most of the exhibits, even though they were for older kids. his favorite was the wind machine and the air pressure/space suit demonstrator. i explained that releasing the pressure was like when he burps and it releases the pressure in his tummy. he thought that was pretty cool. hudson watched everything from the beco on jj's back. he was tired but interested in all the new sights.
we have all been spoiled by the warm weather a few weeks ago and now it's frustrating for the boys that we can't go outside and play. i've been building lots of forts, fingerpainting (even with the daycare baby) and playing playdoh. one thing i have not done is start sorting stuff for our garage sale. time to unload!

been busy

2009-03-24T12:27:00.003-05:00

i have been away from the computer entirely since my last post and i've enjoyed it again. in fact, it was a chore to turn it on, but i have my nice cup of coffee, it's raining, i'm in a blanket, and my husband is home all week so i actually have time.
we split the weekend between the grandparents' houses. the farm was a blast. we were outside all day long, exploring the tractors and fields and streams. they have a john deere buck that jeremy drove with gus and i in the back so we could explore the stream he used to play in as a kid. sid drove august and i in the big tractor and let gus steer. he didn't do too bad! it was a lot of fun to be OUT. jj learned something new about me: i kick booty at basketball. it made me laugh that he was surprised, as he was the "Star Player" at his high school. now we are obsessed with finding a used hoop so we can play this summer at home.
i'm starting to feel better, like i'm emerging again, and that's a good thing. the kids are doing well and we have big plans for the coming months. we took houston with us to the gym to play today and it was so good to get out. i'm paranoid about germs, so i'm always using germx wipes (yes i'm THAT mom ha ha) but it's so good for the kids to see other kids and get a change of scenery.

2009-03-19T16:00:00.000-05:00

i tested negative. i'm not the gene carrier. we can have another child.

st pats day

2009-03-17T20:44:00.002-05:00

we took the boys downtown for the parade. it was sooooo awesome. we walked around for a long time and then found a spot to stop. august had so much fun picking up candy. he was so polite and asked each time if he could eat a piece before he did. we didn't get to take much home, as it was eaten there on the street. i let it go since it's a very special treat to go to a parade. h napped on my back in the beco the whole time, and afterwards we went to lunch and for more walking. we all got sun-kissed today, which makes gus extra adorable.
i set to work on my spring cleaning this afternoon. i worked hard for what seemed like forever but it was only a few hours. i did the whole first floor. all furniture got moved out and cleaned behind. every floor surface was scrubbed or vaccuumed. most of the toys were cleaned and i have my eye on lots of stuff for our garage sale coming up later this year. i also cleaned all the windows, except for the one over the sink that doesn't open. whew! the boys didn't really help, but they were excited by the furniture moving. gus is obsessed with mud lately, so he made a pretend mud puddle on the floor out of couch cushions to jump on while i vaccuumed the couch.
i am bone-tired. my joints ache from walking, carrying a baby on my back, and scrubbing floors. i have another day or so of stuff to do, including the boys' closets and sorting through their clothes for the sale.

cutest ever.

2009-03-14T23:06:00.002-05:00

after i read a thousand books to august, he has still been having trouble with me turning out the light at night time. i turn it off and then lay with him while his music plays, but he needed something else to help him wind down. i started asking him what he's thankful for. at first, i don't think he knew exactly what i meant so i started listing my favorite things but made most of them people so he'd get it. so now, in no particular order, he says thank you mama bus, papa bus, daddy, okee dokee(tony) etc until he's been through them all. and i mean ALL...he lists everyone he knows including my friends' kids. well the other night he was going on and on and yawning, drifting off and then starting a new list and he thanked chicken mcnuggets. that is his most favorite food besides macky cheese so of course he's thankful for those. he "gets it" now.

my son is hilarious but a handful

2009-03-12T22:26:00.002-05:00

i just want to whine that my children are wearing me out. they are so loveable and squishy and cute but oh, am i tired. here's a breakdown of the last few days: ear infection, whiney, clingy, won't sleep more than a few hrs at a time, waking for the day at 515. otherwise fine, eating, WALKINGEVERYWHERE. other kid: must.be.in.physical.contact.with.mama. that goes for everything except when he is pottying. that is another story. he was trying my patience the other day during my hour of power where i pretty much need a hug every day (4pm) so i filled the kitchen sink with soapy water, handed him some hot wheels and the soap dispenser and said "wash cars. leave mama alone for a while." i retired to my chair and sat in peace for about five minutes, when i heard a dripping noise, looked over, and gus had his pants at his ankles and was peeing in the kitchen sink. he could barely reach, standing on the kitchen chair, and was soooo proud of himself. he pointed and said, "gus pee pee in the sink mommy!" yea good job buddy. i laughed so hard i had tears running down my face.
my aunt has blessed us with several bins of toys, really nice stuff, but i regret saying ok to the thomas the tank engine stuff. i think it's a little old for him anyway, but he got into it the other day and jj set it all up for him and now gus is SO DRAMATIC about them. he doesnt know how to keep them on the rail, so they derail, get stuck and he flips out. over and over. plus, when they arent' on the track they make an annnnnoying sound. in addition, they aren't appropriate for babies to gnaw on, so i'm constantly taking them out of someone's mouth. i keep making the trains go bye bye but they keep reappearing. must figure out new system. praying for warmer weather.........................................

and for today....

2009-03-08T20:53:00.002-05:00

last night, hudson slept horribly. he needed to nurse almost constantly but kept squirming away and freaking out. it was keeping me up and i was getting more and more irritated, so i kicked him and jeremy out of bed eeeeaaarrrrlllyyy so i could get some rest. while i was napping, he took h right downstairs and h started walking! he has really started, not just a two stepped fall into the wall or anything. he will stand up and walk, mummy/night of the living dead-style across the room. now i will have two zombies wandering around my living room since houston started last week, too. they are so cute together. the past two weeks have been huge for hudson...he says three words, signing, following new commands and learning how some of the 'harder' toys work. i felt it was appropriate to celebrate his new skill with a cupcake to share with his brother for a late breakfast/snack.

party

2009-03-08T20:42:00.003-05:00

it was a great day. we had a full house, plenty of SUPER yummy cake (ordering from her again!) and just a few toys. hudson got lots of really neat clothes, a nice set of unfinished wood blocks that will last forever, a pegboard/math learning toy that is awesome, and lots of great books. my favorite one is the babar book my mom and dad got him. it was one of my all time favorites as a little kid and i had fun looking through it.

i was proud of my little decorations. gus made the puppets from a kit (with my help) and once the table was set up he was so excited to light candles and sing happy birthday.

he did really well. we talked to him several times before about what would go on and that even though it wasn't his birthday he could still help hudson and join in the fun. i invited the same group we have for august's parties and it was really nice to have our group together.

party prep

2009-03-06T22:16:00.002-06:00

today involved a lot of cleaning, airing out and playing outside. and errands. i got a haircut, took boys to bank, grocery store, to pick up cakes, through the drive-thru....whew. i'm pretty tired. i'm nervous that i dont have enough cake. they are adorable but small. oh well. the boys were pretty intense today. i got gus a milkshake to stop him from whining while we were driving to meet jj for his 'dinner.' all was quiet until i looked in the rearview mirror, and saw gus eating the milkshake with his hands. yea. stickiness. he was funny today. he 'handles' stella going potty now. today he stood at the front door, yelling , "okay yella, go potty, any day now, okay, yella! go pee pee!" then when she came in "okay! you did it! my get dog cookie. my do it! cookie!"
hopefully he's a good sport about it not being his birthday. i have tried to prepare him well. i'll try to post pics tomorrow night.

h is one!

2009-03-05T20:41:00.002-06:00

he had a great day. we ate lunch at a restaurant on the river. we had lunch there last year on the 4th and i was having contractions while trying to eat. it was much warmer this year, so we hung out by the river and took a few photos. gus and uncle tony were BFF today. after that we had cake for tony's birthday and the boys napped. i cleaned the house with the windows open and i can still smell the sweet spring air in here.

we went to metamora for dinner tonight and the boys were wonderful, and played together. hudson is so close to walking on his own. he discovered grandma bus' treat drawer. life is growing up around here, and i kind of like it. i like the mix of baby and big boy. i am looking forward to all of the changes in store for hudson's 2nd year, but still enjoying the baby he is. he has dirt and grass to discover and trees to explore. he 'talks' on the phone, plays peekaboo, pat-a-cake, waves goodbye and hello, calls nursing NaNaNa while signing "milk" and he looooves his big brother. his birthday party is saturday.

3.4.08

2009-03-04T15:53:00.001-06:00

miracle monday

2009-03-02T20:33:00.003-06:00

today sucked until i had enough of poop, hitting, not sleeping, coffee-not-working, time-in fun and threw the kids in the car to drive to pekin. h's doc called, he has pnuemonia, new antibiotic because the one he's on won't touch it. i KNEW he was really sick last week. i had a mama-gut moment and took him right to the dr. just today he is eating better, though he was still fussy. so now i have to go get a probiotic asap tomorrow to keep his insides working well.
saturday night i went to hob lob to get a last skein of yarn for the like three inches i need to finish h's blanket. they were out. i was in despair until today when i found what i needed. the boys slept the whole way there, i listened to butt rock. peace. i just blew our schedule and chilled in the car with no one grabbing at me. came home, gus was in a better mood finally, got H in the tub, made annie's mac n cheese and jj called..........he is not getting laid off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! for now he is working. his section has always been super busy and they decided to keep some guys on. he might get bumped to another shift but who cares about that...i'm just so so thankful. he could get laid off at any moment still, but for now we are safe. even a few more months of working is just that, paychecks and health insurance.
now i really have to hit the sticks :-)

what i'm rolling my eyes at tonight

2009-02-27T21:19:00.002-06:00

-all of the CPAC b.s. like steele's "my bad" comment. as if that glib phrase can excuse almost a decade of running our country into the ground by the GOP. i am personally offended for every american who has had their struggles trivialized by this joke of a leader.
-because of the coverage of said conference, i had a dream last night that i was working as a bartender for joe the plumber in his new sports bar and i got in trouble for facing the money the wrong way
-still seeing commercials for the new museum and "it's better here!" very insulting.
-can you tell i've had literally 10 hours of sleep since tuesday. if tonight doesnt' go well i may miss my anniversary dinner
-for the last one, i love my littlest boy dearly, but no more poo in the tub! mama's tired.

more personal info i shouldn't share

2009-02-23T20:47:00.002-06:00

but i'm lonely and this is kinda like talking to someone. how pathetic. finally made it to see a dr today. she felt my neck and said, "wow." I said, "is it enlarged?" she said, "very. i'm feeling your giant thyroid." AWESOME. so here come the tests again starting thursday. i will be getting a dna test done then, too. the outcome of that will determine our reproductive future. none of the other stuff bothers me too much, but it's always in the back of my mind that i could have cancer or have it removed and that freaks me out. someday soon i will feel better. i've felt like crap for months but since i was taking my synthroid like a good little girl i thought i was just nuts. not so.
my kids deserve a better mom. it really sucks that i have little control over the chemical workings of my body. different things have an effect, like the b complex and other things i take, but in the end it's a losing battle. no amount of yoga helps. it's such a common problem that i never take it seriously but it is serious enough to screw up every single part of me down to my nails. i have read that malnutrition (read:anorexia) in adolescence can cause thyroid issues, so consider me ms poster child/person. it's not worth it.
on a happier note, the handmade birthday projects are almost complete. i'll post pics this week when then are done.

blustery

2009-02-21T20:14:00.002-06:00

as soon as the wind hit my face this morning i have been thinking of that word. after a full day of thinking, it loses its meaning and real-ness. is it even a word?
i had a lot on my plate, simply because i procrastinate. down time with the boys is so much more fun if we are wearing two sets of socks each and playing cars on the rug instead of coats, boots, and the beco routine. it's hard to wipe a runny nose when child with runny nose is riding in a back carry. i had party supplies, sale grocery items, $18 worth of register rewards to spend at walgreens to buy, and a shirt to exchange. i did it all. in my search for cheap things for hudson's birthday party i was forced to get creative. i finally followed through on a project i wanted to complete last spring, and it involved visiting the town of hudson for a look at their water tower. i got a few ok pics, i guess, with my crappy point and shoot camera. tomorrow we are going to head to henry, IL for the second shoot. the local cop in hudson was following us and waving. the boys enjoyed the road trip.
we came home and i made a big mess of grandma's spaghetti and gus picked blueberries as his side dish. it was delicious. we are having the rest of those in pancakes for breakfast tomorrow. i'm in the home stretch of working on hudson's blanket. it's gorgeous. we had coupons for ice cream, so i splurged. i'm passing time on the internet now while i wait for sugar-high giggles downstairs to recede...

mission accomplished!

2009-02-19T22:23:00.002-06:00

and not in the same way #43 meant it. he's such a jackass....ok back to my new theme of unicorns and rainbows....
this is graphic so read at your own risk. our mission was potty learning and it has been accomplished by august. it was actually a total blast to experience it. i have always tried to stay in the background and trust him to lead and ask for help if needed. thats my parenting 'theme.' it worked. he did it all on his own. when i hovered he was grouchy. two poos in pants when outside. thats it! a few pee probs last week like peeing in the warm air register in his room. the last hurdle was a public restroom and he conquered that tonight. only in a diaper at night and waking dry in the morning.
some highlights: the once upon a potty video from the library (this is the hole for poopoo!)
gus clapped for me and said yay mama when i went after him at the restaurant tonight.
itty bitty hulk underpants on an itty bitty boy butt.
obvious major creeper going on after he pulls up his pants (My do it mommy!)
he said his poo looked like Frosty Snowman, and i about snorted coffee up my nose
he told our server he peed in the big white potty.
his 2t pants fit again since he isnt wearing a large fuzzibunz underneath.
our bond is so much stronger after all of this and that is my favorite part.
now i know we will have accidents and stuff, but im relieved to be done for now.

success

2009-02-13T21:19:00.002-06:00

poop in the potty finally. all on his own. he went in his room and i heard his potty play a song (the one we don't even use, it's a stepstool to reach the light switch) and i ran in there...i even took a picture but don't worry, i won't post it. so now that leaves the tally at 99% trained at home. one accident today, but that was when he was fully dressed outside helping rake leaves. we have yet to succeed outside the home, but we dont' really go anywhere. i guess i should get a foldable seat? yuck. i would rather help him sit on the side of a big toilet and wash hands afterwards. less plastic crap to buy.
i'm a little sad because i got a look and a mean comment for still nursing my baby tonight. i did laugh when she asked, "well, doesnt' he bite you?!"

happy valentines day. my husband is at walgreens, right now, at 830 the night before. we were out and he wanted to stop with us all in the car and run in. seriously. good thing my love language has nothing to do with romance. ooooops, that reminds me that the card i bought for him is still unsigned, stashed in the glove box in the car he is driving right now. i guess we are two of a kind. we really do love each other so much. we hardly ever fight or even argue. we do the connection parenting three R's with each other if something comes up. we both think farts are funny, and really wanted to elope FOR REAL. we both love rachel maddow and stephen colbert. we both understand how important it is for our kids to be happy and settled and attached, even though sometimes that leaves less time for each other. we don't want to be farmers, either, even though that may be in our futures. i love my husband because he calls everyone chicken, says "sweet dreams" to his sister when they get off the phone (even though i pretend to puke in my mouth every time) and tells people to not give gus Num Nums because they have artificial coloring. he changed poopy diapers from the babies today. he ate my all natural sloppy joes today and took seconds. he took a beating from me in our yahtzee tourney the other night and is still upset about it and looking for a rematch. he thought cloth diapers were a great idea. he's downstairs right now filling out a card that is cheesy and long and breathy and writing some heartfelt words to me that i will adore. i am unable to do this for him, and even though he wants the romance blah blah blah he appreciates me the way i am.

what's up

2009-02-11T16:04:00.003-06:00

after i 'hide' from the computer for too long, i begin to get nervous, like i'm going to be in trouble or something. then, i get overwhelmed and anxious about the catching up i need to do....for nothing...but i thought i'd put that to rest and pop on here for just a few minutes. i'm happier and more settled than i have been in months. my house is spotless and smells great, i'm on track to finish hudson's first birthday blanket (his only gift *sniff*) and i've been trying new recipes like the 85-cheese mac n cheese casserole that is still keeping me stuffed four hours later. we've spent lots of time outside playing and exploring and walking. i've been raking the landscaping in preparation for the new green popping through the ground while gus helps and uses his water can.
another big development: we are 75% done with potty learning! he has been peeing every day on the potty and today during his "nap" i heard him say mommy potty and he had taken off his pants and peed in the potty. he empties and cleans it out himself and has started standing up to pee (need to work on aim). since i have my husband with me this week i thought it'd be good since we dont' go anywhere to just buckle down and work on it. i'm enjoying my break from the screen and working on other things. i'd like to make it a regular thing, so adios for a while.

signing off for a while

2009-01-31T10:32:00.002-06:00

need to "close ranks" and stay with my boys. i won't be online for a while, so don't bother emailing me. just call or text. we're just taking a little vacay and unplugging. it would have been helpful to see the news yesterday instead of keeping the tv off :-( but i stick by my choice to only use the radio. this is an opportunity.

let me know if i was unreasonable

2009-01-29T16:45:00.002-06:00

i do not expect to wait for over an hour for a dr appt without being told there will be a delay. that is unacceptable to me. i made them reschedule. i had the appt at that time specifically during naptime so i could come home and nurse him when he woke up. of course the staff did not know this, but still, i feel that that is a common courtesy....i told them why i could not wait any longer and they were nice. i do not like being separated from my children, and my mama sense was spot-on. when i got home hudson needed me.

tiny scarf

2009-01-26T21:17:00.002-06:00

it's so cute, only 8 stitches across. the kids actually played with guacomole today. i might start making more of those as it was easy and customizable. gus learned how to say "ride em cowboy" while riding his zebra. he learned how to do the Boots Are Made For Walkin dance (so did houston and hudson). he asked to nurse today!!!and i was caught off guard so i asked if he wanted a cup of milk or cereal (he asked for milk snack but was pointing to me nursing hudson). when i responded i didnt' realize he wanted to actually nurse. when i gave him the cup of milk he got kind of upset and then said ok gus milk ok. it was surreal. i wish wish wish i was still nursing him but it wasn't in the cards for us. i could play the If Only game but i have given that guilt up to the earth, if that makes sense.
i guess i need to plan a party for hudson. it's sneaking up on me. the date will be march 7.

birthday party

2009-01-25T19:22:00.002-06:00

for my grandma. she is 90, healthy and independent for the most part. my two aunts threw her a big party today. i was nervous because i dont see a lot of that side of the family and most of them hadnt even met my boys. it was in a nice big carpeted room so gus got to run like a wild man. it was great for him. we were all dressed up and i was in a good mood because i found a pair of pants that i wore when i was 23 and they fit!!! score. we were invited to dinner afterwards but we declined. one day a week with my husband-i was not in the mood to share him. we came home and i made a big pot of whole wheat spaghetti, grandma style. it's the only way i like it and it's super cheap and high in protein. i just finished vaccuuming and dusting for a few days and now i'm off to finish august's new bunny i've been knitting. his name is guacomole because he's green. he needs a bunny sized scarf. ugh im sore from my 'workout.'

date with gamma

2009-01-22T22:04:00.004-06:00

gus now says gamma and gampa, minus the R. he could say the words a long time ago, but chose to use Mama Bus and Mama Cow. we ate at steak n shake, where he got to sip my mom's milkshake. then we went to hobby lobby, apparently so august could touch everything. i've been savoring a visa gift card i got for christmas, and i decided to spend it on a few skeins of yarn and some circular needles instead of paying bills with it. i'm sure my SIL didn't intend on paying my phone bill for me for christmas.
i was thinking at dinner about how much of a groove i have going with my boys. i remember being terrified of going out with just august, even when he was in his preemie sleep all the time days. we kept him in a sling then so he wasn't exposed to germs, but still...i like my life now much more. hudson's personality is awesome, he says meh meh and signs for milk, he eats anything. august is hilarious. he told me to "quiet down mommy" when i was yelling at an AB conversation between jj and the eye clinic he took gus to. that was my cue to "C" my way out of it.
i completely understand why people stop at two children, and the Family of Four cliche has nothing to do with it. i just recently (in december) figured out bedtime. i'm getting better at gd with august every day. it really is all-consuming, and that is a good thing. they are this little only once. i have no problem with that. things do pull at me, and i get a little resentful at times, but it passes. i have the rest of my life to sleep on my stomach. the thought of having to night wean makes me sad. i don't want to, so i guess we won't for a while. sometimes i want to knit, and i look longingly at my needles while i hold a squirming toddler on my lap. i always thought that the second baby would come and i'd feel the same way about him as i do about gus. it's weird, but i don't. i think it's the age. i don't love either one more or favor one, but it just feels different. my attachment to each boy is different. the attachments are so strong, but their needs are different, and i think that's why i feel that way. reading that makes me sound like i don't love hudson! i do! i can physically feel it in my chest sometimes...it just surprises me how much i love my boys. they are going to be just as goofy as jj and i are.
i was reading a post of a newly 2nd time mom on a discussion board and she was asking how do you do it with a newborn and a toddler...you don't. it. was. awful. i put on a brave face and forced myself to move. people who are new parents to one baby BLAH BLAH BLAH is what i say. that's why i see how people stop at two. i think about that when i'm eating at our table with h and gus. i'd have to get a fifth chair that wouldn't match. that symbolizes the changes i'd have to make to accomodate a third child. i really wouldn't get to turn hudson's crib storage room into my crafting room. we'd really need that third row seat. hudson really couldn't sleep with me forever (well he couldnt' anyway). however, i know that there are enough clothes and unused bpa-free bottles and cloth diapers and love to go around, even if the children outnumbered their parents. one of the answers to that poor woman's post was "Deep breath. It's not easy, but it sure is incredible." TRUE.

my favorite

2009-01-20T22:36:00.001-06:00

quote of the day, so many great things were said but i like stephen colbert's comment: "i feel like my heart is going to burst because it's so full of rainbows."

Obama Day

2009-01-20T20:04:00.003-06:00

the boys and i stayed home today to hang out and celebrate. like the rest of the country i got chills. i was concentrating on knitting when pastor warren was praying and didn't realize i was saying the Our Father along with him until about halfway through. that was really neat. i am watching the obamas dance right now and it's making me grin. i'm hopeful.

i finished up my Inauguration Hat and gus took it right away to claim it as his. too bad for me, i guess! the first hat i made is not what he wanted. this green one is wool though, and it will be itchy for him. the good news is that if i can get it away from him i finally have a winter hat.

gus watched o-mama and then while hudson was napping we made hulk-colored Hulk Dough. i thought he'd ask me to sculpt a hulk, but instead asked me to make a 'Frosty Noman.' hudson learned how to drink out of an open cup and he thought it was hilarious! since he isn't too interested in drinking out of any kind of spout except straight from the tap, he'll have to have an open cup. august and i also taught him to clap and shake his head when we do. all in one day...he was a busy dude. i just mopped the kitchen and bathroom and the rest of my night will involve smiling at the obamas.

it went well

2009-01-20T00:13:00.002-06:00

other than hudson being uncharacteristically fussy, our appt was fine. the cons were that i felt a bit warehoused, as it is a huge office, and the scale is far away from patient rooms so i am glad i brought a sweater along. the pros greatly outweighed anything negative. i was nervous, and trying to keep hudson happy (he was totally reading my cues! we are attached obviously) and in walked dr h all quiet and smiling...i didnt have to say much. he knew what to say to me! it was weird. i was blabbing on about hudson and he asked how Big Brother was doing with hudson, like he knew straight away that i was having a tough time with august. he reminded me of august's needs changing just like hudson's are, and gave me a script for squashing jealousy. we discussed the cf/sweating concern i had, he encouraged me to nurse past age 2, didn't ask one question about vaxxing, and told me the three snack/meals hudson munches on is too much food and nurse more. he also said he wants me to come back for the 12mo checkup even though it's in less than 2 months so he could meet august and get to know him.
i swear, august and i are the same person, though i must swallow my needs and be the grown-up all day. we are crabby at the same times every day. we don't talk to each other when we are angry. we both want to eat when we want to eat and if anything interrupts it's highly annoying. imagine a really irritating version of yourself in the worst mood possible: that's august and i this evening. and, i had to work it out. jj was here but he can't do much with that. my solution was to acknowledge my own unmet need for being alone, to make a plan for later, and acknowledge august's needs for the moment:eat as much food as possible and get in bed as soon as possible. as i read his favorite books to him i could feel myself relaxing. i used to hate reading aloud, and now it's my absolute favorite part of the day. i go into it feeling all the stress of the day and somehow i am transformed in the middle of grover's first day at school. snuggling with that little boy and listening to him say "night night mommy" in his little voice make me stop and be in the moment for him. we need the connection after the crazy day. he responds in a heartbeat. since he went to sleep at 630 he has been awake twice. i dont mind going down there for him, but sometimes i wish he would go back to sleep for jj. the last time was a few minutes ago, and i got in bed and put my arm over his side. he did the same to me and sighed. it was the best. i'm so in love with bedtime.

overwhelmed

2009-01-19T12:31:00.002-06:00

just like my toddler my 'cup' is full. i am anxious about h's first dr appt with the new ped. i have my list of ?s but im fearful of new drs. the kids are very intense and jj is off today but not much help til right now. i came up here to nurse h so he could sleep for a bit before we go. we have no groceries and i need to have meals ready for jj to work kong hours tomorrow. im going after the dr appt which was supposed to be my afternoon out. this is it for me for the rest of the week. i feel like im in jail. he dragged us to the mall yesterday when all i wanted to do was sleep. he shopped and we walked the kids around but didnt buy anything. it was a waste of time. the kids were tired. officially had it.

yes!!!

2009-01-16T23:18:00.000-06:00

the alero is no longer stranded at caterpillar! we are back in business.

highlights

2009-01-16T22:53:00.003-06:00

my dad showed up yesterday and stayed with us all day. it was awesome because i just needed someone here. i dont need help or a break and he knows that. we ate takeout, i knitted and we played with the boys together-lots of playdoh. gus was tired when papa left and asked to rocky-bye. it has been a year since he has let me rock him and i miss it. h cant stand rocking. he is in a blanket cocoon nursing right now, rubbing my belly in his sleep. aw.

jj called me late last night to tell me the car wouldn't start. he finally had to take a cab home and i had to take the boys out to get him to work this morning. i always get lost in the bottoms when i have to go to his building and it's scary. since we were out i went over to uu for a playdate. gus was silent and shy but he did play a little. hudson did too, after he knocked over my coffee and sat in it, soaking everything. i had him layered and in a cloth dipe, so thank goodness i pack all of that crap when we go out. it was a nice quiet visit. i didnt have houston so it was a free play day. after dinner i got a big bowl of snow and let the boys play with it. gus took his clothes off, so when he got cold i just filled the tub and he warmed up. hudson stood on the outside of the tub and played in it a little, too. i think he was confused by the cold.

the hat pic is my first hat, the good side. finally got a good shot of it. hudson is fascinated by my knitting basket. i'm always finding objects in it that he left there, like that tambourine.

before i close this, let me give a thank you shout-out to the disney company, who, without my asking, sent us a bunch of stickers. those stickers kept my toddler's attention for about 6 minutes while he stuck them to the kitchen floor as i was using the restroom. during the 40 minutes it took me to scrape them off of my floor he was able to dunk several stuffed animals in the toilet as hudson watched. it sounded like they were just playing in august's room. so thanks, disney, for making sure i didn't get bored this afternoon.

how do i manage to screw everything up

2009-01-14T20:59:00.003-06:00

EVERY TIME. without fail. every sewing and now knitting project has issues. some are irreversible, and i trash the project. at least with knitting i can unravel and start over. i am SO PISSED that i wasted a whole week knitting up the back portion of a sweater jacket with this intricate seed stitch/garter stitch pattern. when i started the decreases to shape it around the arms, here i had an extra 20+ stitches. WTF. it was a rectangle, not some crazy shape like i was inventing stitches all over the place. it started out with 69 casted on, so i have no idea how i got so many stitches. it is maddening. how did i not realize along the way that something was very very wrong? i have been K1P1 in my sleep and now it's all for nothing. i suppose i'll boohoo about this same issue for the next thing i mess up. i was this way in college too, even making prints in the intaglio shop. i just had an ice cold labatt. today was awful. children suck the life out of me on some days. the only quiet time i had was scooping snow (this is an inside joke for someone i know). scoop scoop scoop.
all of this is trivial and stupid, but i keep failing at every single little task and it wears on me! i couldnt even get the toilet unplugged (thanks husband who left it like that and went to work at 10am) so i had to pee in the shower without gus seeing me. the piles of guilt i get for 1. having another child 2. letting child sleep with me 3. somehow damaging first child by having second child and treating him like the baby he is ...i've had it with all that. somehow, first born children survive not being the baby any more. i sure did. i will not feel like i'm a failure for doing what i know is right for my children.
ok i posted this and then i thought of one neat thing that happened today. gus is figuring out how to count to 19. he has 1-11 mastered and can count objects to that point. 12-19 are sometimes out of order and mispronounced (threeteen) but he's on his way.

my first hat

2009-01-13T19:01:00.002-06:00

was finished today, finally. i had never seamed anything so it took me a lot of stitches to get it right. thus, the seam looks terrible. i don't mind though, it's part of the learning process in my opinion. i was so excited to give it to gus. i let him put it on, i asked him to sit so i could get the camera, and he got so mad at me! i have one frowning picture of him on my camera. he took it off then and threw it on the floor! NO HAT MOMMY! :-( so then i rolled up the edge and put it on hudson and he started crying and took it off, too. what gives?? i made it with super soft satin yarn that is going to pill but it's so soft against their skin.
that's how most of today went. i made this toddler-sized baked potato bar on his little table and he ate like three bites. hysteria over every single thing i said to him today. "gus, would you use a fork instead of a spoon, please? WAAAAHHHH"
hudson wouldn't settle down to nap, but wanted to cry his eyes out even in my arms all afternoon. my head is pounding. ugh. i was an awful mom today. one sunday of having jj here a week isn't enough. i don't need to be alone, or get out of the house alone, i just need an adult to talk to for more than 10 minutes in the morning. i'm nervous about how first shift is going to go, especially with the overtime. at least i'll be asleep for 1/3 of it.

my finger hurts

2009-01-12T19:13:00.002-06:00

from knitting. i didn't get the sewing machine out yesterday, but have almost completed a a hat. i just have to seam it together later this evening. my darning needle is buried amongst my sewing crap so i have to dig it out without little hands helping me. i really enjoy all the help i get, and it seems like overnight i have a new "helper" for everything. he helped eat the corn houston threw on the floor at lunch time (didn't see that until too late). he helped empty out houston's diaper bag all over the living room while i was rocking h2 to sleep. he also helped me put puffs in between august's toes so gus could eat with his feet. that part was sooooo much fun. houston just looked at us like we were crazy. i have read a thousand times about the "witching hour" in various magazines and i've only begun to experience it. with three that nap poorly, if at all, around 4pm we are all crabby. that is now puff/signing time. i've done it for a few weeks now, and even when houston isn't here we still do it and it's fun! like i said, gus learned to eat with his toes today. hudson stood the entire time and figured out how to hold on to my shoulder, eat puffs and sign MILK at the same time. houston had his hood up all day long and jeremy dubbed him The Gatekeeper. it was a nice, snowy day.
what a relief it is to be able to put the boys in august's room to play while i vaccuum and clean the bathroom. i check on them periodically and that's it. no more waiting to sweep until jj was home. hudson will be walking soon, and then my life will be so awesome. i had a dream saturday night that i was about to give birth in my bed. amazing, yes, but i am so not ready for another one.
since the rest of the week will be too cold for computer time up here i probably won't post. i've got lots of crafting lined up for downstairs, including some awesome grass-printed paper i got on sale. it's gorgeous. we're saving for dirt-poor days so spending 96cents on paper wasn't a big deal.

jumped right in

2009-01-10T22:24:00.002-06:00

this was a busy week, even though we didn't do a whole lot of "things." i kind of like it that way. i must say that i am tired of my cooking. i'm not that great; i hate cooking unhealthy things because of the boys, so it was lean meats and veggies all week. i was excited to get taco bell today after the ap meeting! i was going to skip the internet tonight but watching/listening to austin city limits and knitting was putting me to sleep. i'm trying to stay awake to see jj when he gets home. every morning he wants to hear every detail of every minute of the night before. we have a new book for our small, exclusive book club. i really enjoy the discussions we have.
today was the ap meeting about Hold On To Your Kids, another book i'd like to read before the kids are 5. it's low on the list right now but i'll get to it. jj stayed home to hang with gus. yesterday morning august was shy around him, which told me they needed some one-on-one time to strengthen their connection. whenever i feel like that with gus i take him to the grocery store and we "shop" for things by color or smell or something fun and engaging.
i've been obsessed with blackberry green tea lately. jj always wants me to make him a cup and then he doesn't drink it. tomorrow he is OFF ALL DAY. we are turning off our phones. breakfast is blueberry pancakes, lasagna for lunch/dinner and i'm getting my sewing machine out! woohoo!

apple puss

2009-01-07T19:31:00.003-06:00

that's what august calls an octopus. he has an apple puss song.
nothing new going on. we haven't left the house since sunday and it's kind of nice. i don't plan on going anywhere until saturday morning, to the ap meeting. jj is working 12 hour shifts, and i have houston 3 1/2 days this week, so i'm keeping busy. yesterday we had sydney and his mom over to play for a few hours. they brought gus a baking set for his new kitchen. it's really nice because everything is "real" but for smaller hands. the cookie sheets and pans are just like my good ones, and it has a wooden spoon and rolling pin. fun! he 'baked' for hudson last night but protested when i tried to take his picture while he had his apron on.
we've been doing lots of activities like extensive playdoh work, reading for fun instead of constantly "learning" (this sounds awful but it is hard to not stop and ask what color this is and how many of those, etc) cutting up food, making letters out of things....
i am not in the habit of buying sweets, so we just don't keep them in the house and it isn't an issue of denying gus anything. however, i found a secret stash of candy HMMM i wonder who that belongs to? after gus ate his dinner i offered some contraband smarties which i know contain red #40, but i knew his reaction would be priceless and he did not disappoint. he ate each one and crunched it for the sound effects.
he just got over his sugar high and was helping me fold socks. he put on jj's work socks and they go up to his hips...very cute. after the bath time i burped, excused myself, and then he proceded to start burping the alphabet! again HMMM i wonder where that comes from. i smiled but just said excuse you, per our ususal routine, but it was so hard not to laugh. i never knew toddlers were so funny.

wise thoughts

2009-01-06T15:07:00.002-06:00

from a mom of three wonderful, social and loving boys around the preteen age:
"You know, just keep doing what you are doing because in the end it's the right thing to do. I didn't make many friends along the way and I second-guessed myself so much...."
she is the only support (besides jj, who waffles occasionally) on a certain issue and it's nice to chat with her sometimes to remember why i do the things i do. when you take away the ideas about raising kids that are fixed in your brain before you even have kids, sometimes there's not a lot there you want to use. sometimes it's hard to read all the research and books and not be overwhelmed when it all sounds like the right way to go. no praise and no punishment, then what? of course i use excessive amounts of choice to facilitate autonomy. my hangups about my kids wearing sweatpants and a halloween costume every day are my own; if they want to wear those things i will let them if they choose it. my big problem is others pushing their agendas onto them. i don't want to stop the chorus of "good job you put your sock on" because it feels wrong. i dont want to be asked later on why i never said good job. i'm splitting hairs here, but it's a snapshot of my brain the past month. i think that my biggest challenge right now is letting go of the appearance of things, giving up control of them when it really doesn't matter, and ending the manipulation that i didn't even know was there. i'm so tired of buzz words and theories and being anxious so i'm taking a hiatus from research. we are going to unschool until further notice. end of story.

family fun

2009-01-04T20:32:00.002-06:00

we have been busy! friday we took down christmas and got august's kitchen and table together. he has his own space now. i dont' want to put it in his room because i want him out with us. i'm glad we went with natural wood for his things for a number of reasons-one is that it fits our decor :-) it's not like we have a bunch of toys sitting out all the time. that basket holds the baby stuff and only comes out on MWand F anyway. he is really getting into the cooking with his cutting food set and the one saucepan i gave him. hudson has discovered the open/shut feature on the 'oven' door. good times. he is pulling up now and cutting 4 teeth all at the same time. that teething necklace is a lifesaver as always. no tylenol here!

after i put the table together gus had to have a snack there. he chose crackers on a plate. we've been working hard and he can count to ten, though he still says O instead of ten.

today was a good sunday. we woke early and i made pancakes and turkey sausage. i'm glad i caught jj relaxing with the boys because they are all so cute together. i cleaned a little and then the inlaws came from north and south. we didn't get to spend time with dave and andy over christmas so they came to exchange gifts. it was a lovely visit. i wish they'd come more often. dave "unca daze" bought gus a hulk doll that is for preschoolers-how appropriate! it's soft and does the hulky pokey. the pic is gus letting hulk punch him, though the doll doesnt' hit. i'm very adament that we dont have violent hulk things and dave is really cool about it.

my grandma is turning 90 in a few weeks so we had to take a family photo for a collage for her party. i hate having my pic taken but it was fun to do it because august likes to say CHEESE!

i'm content and relaxed. my boys are doing great and they are happy. i really couldn't ask for more.

diddley land

2008-12-30T21:00:00.002-06:00

my parents live across the field from didley's, the car-hop/drive in movie/insert fun family activity here/place. they are obsessed with it....well, my dad is. he gets so excited when the farmers harvest the corn so he can see what's going on with didley's again. they have a playground, drive in movie theater but you have to sit on the grass, mini golf course (MINI), some RC car track that gus liked last year, and soon to be a 30-person ride on train. here's the best part....papa bus, driver of 81 passengers twice daily with no standees permitted, has been snagged as the conductor of the train. or is it engineer? he even has a hat. i have a huge grin on my face right now.
we went there to eat tonight as they enclosed part of the place as a real restaurant. it has the cook from the old family fungus, so i was expecting the same thing. it was gross! i ordered chicken tenders for august, which arrived raw and pink in the middle. my burger was undercooked, bloody, and covered in about an inch of mayo. i got sick after eating two bites of it and i couldn't even drink anything. i thought i was going to hurl just sitting there. the owners tried to make it right but i still felt like crap. one lady, i think was the manager, came over and exclaimed to my parents (with me sitting right there with my children) that she had not seen me since i was "red-haired and all tatooed." well, my hair is the same color and last time i checked tatoos are permanent. the whole thing rubbed me the wrong way. i will eat there again, in a long long time, but i'll probably just order coffee. they just opened, so i understand, but yuck for tonight. my parents can continue to be in love with didleyland but i'm going to stick with what i know. at least we can ride the train.

perfect sunday

2008-12-28T22:55:00.002-06:00

our room is still a mess, but the rest of the house is spotless. I kind of like it that way, so i have *my* space to be messy if i want to, but the rest of the house is clear of clutter for the family to enjoy and breathe easy in. the boys deserve wide open spaces and the freedom to spread out with their stuff. i am proud of myself for letting the decorations rest in their spots for so long. i compromised and took down only the cards and door hangy guys, since i had to erase random scuff marks on the doors anyway..............
i'll just admit i have a problem with having a clean house :-) it has been months since i had the time and energy to do it all at once instead of two things a night, so it was a treat for jj to watch the kids in whatever room i wasnt' working in. i've been knitting a hat since i figured out a stitch i was having trouble with. it will be big enough for a giant, even though i counted stitches and checked my gauge. novice error but still good experience.
hudson pulled up for real for the first time today. he is on his own schedule. he wants to stand up so badly, and has been doing the downward facing dog yoga position for weeks. i'm in no rush for him to do anything except be himself. he giggles and wears stripey pants and says Dada all day long. his favorite foods are bunny love cereal and chunks of chicken breast. august reques..no ORDERED cheese pizza today at three in the afternoon, and i thought why not? someday when he whines that we never let him do anything i'll remind him that i spent $20 on pizzas in the middle of the afternoon for him. he ate two slices of a large cheese pizza. i'm not as attentive to my own nutrition on sundays anyways so i relaxed with him as well. he was having a rough day and i knew he'd have to release it at some point, and i thought we'd be better off handling that with full bellies. he fell asleep in my arms at 615, poor thing.

xmas pics

2008-12-26T20:24:00.006-06:00

we spent xmas eve in decatur. it was wonderful and peaceful and drama free. i forgot my camera, so no pics of that. gus and h got a table and chair set for crafting, among other things. my inlaws bought me a beco! it is the Best Thing Ever. h had a nap on my back and it was like nothing. i did laundry, folded dipes, etc with him back there. i highly recommend it. it will be great for hiking. after we got home jj and i continued our tradition of beverages and watching the pope say mass from st peters. i never get over how grand it is. i'm glad i got to see it in person. i like recognizing some of the latin spoken in the mass. my dad took me to a latin service once and it was awesome. he used to say bits and pieces of it all the time so i like to hear it on xmas eve.

xmas morning was also quiet and joyful. the boys took their time unwrapping gifts. there was a beautiful wooden kitchen for gus and he is in love. he got a wood cutting food set and was cooking for hudson tonight. hudson's fav gifts were the green sock monkey and stacking toy. he also likes the wood food and the beco. jj and i relaxed and i made his fav breakfast. one of the pics is gus marching while playing his harmonica. hilarious.

we went to my parents' for dinner. it was nice there, like old times. we opened gifts before others came. h fell asleep on my dads shoulder for an hour. gus put a bow on my moms head that she forgot about and it stayed there all night. she bought h some nice wooden teethers and he has been drooling all over them today. our days werent exciting, just simple and nearly perfect. i want every holiday to be this way. it was awesome. i'm thankful we have each other and we are all healthy. i'm thankful we have our homes to celebrate in and gifts to exchange. i'm also thankful that the gifts could have been eliminated and we all still would have had just as much fun.

blast from the past

2008-12-25T23:39:00.002-06:00

grandma cow found this in the shed, complete with giant pineapples and cauliflower. i had one when i was little and it was AWESOME. big big hit....and it didn't cost a thing...my christmas post extravaganza will be tomorrow.

same old

2008-12-22T22:00:00.002-06:00

nothing new to report. quiet days around here. i rock hudson and nurse him all the time because he is having trouble staying asleep. august is as sweet as ever. he went shopping with jj today and came home to tell me his first "story" about what he did at the mall. "carcar! gus ride. grrrr! no ride gus cop-cop" meaning jj wouldn't let him ride the helicopter....he went on and on repeating himself. it was adorable. he sang a song as i was tucking him into bed tonight that went like this "gus and mama. mama and gus. gus and mama." repeat again.
today i heard some good news. a friend of mine won a 1000$ gift card to bremer jewelry! too bad everything in there is THOUSANDS of dollars! wow. my wedding ring came from bargain basement priced Roger's n hollands or whatever so i didn't know. i'm happy for her. it is a once in a lifetime chance for people like us. she deserves it.
we went to the Bus residence for dinner tonight. i let my dad feed hudson home made mashed potatoes and it was the best thing ever. he was surprised that hudson didnt' know what to do because i don't spoon feed him anything. however, like overnight he is all about feeding himself, so we're finally finally eating. my boobs need a break. he had grilled chicken and bits of broccoli for lunch, and cottage cheese, bits of lean pork loin, and mashed potatoes for dinner.
i've been practicing stitches, working out whenever i get ten minutes, and baking cookies. apparently i still look pregnant though :-( i thought i was looking better.

this made me think.

2008-12-19T20:58:00.002-06:00

i took a break from playing with the makeshift cage and stuffed pug gus has been all about lately to clean the bathroom. no big deal, i do it every other day. gus came in, took the vinegar spray from me, frowned in that way that is like looking into a mirror for me, and said "MAMA no clean! mama play dog with gus! okay!" it was such a good sentence, no whining or frustration...i am so relieved he is finally able to express his needs. he is aware of hudson's needs too, as in "mama, hudson cry. num num milk please(peas)."
one more thing. at lunch time i had ketchup out on the table and he asked for "keputch." it made me laugh because my brother called it keputch for years.

local on the 8s

2008-12-18T22:18:00.002-06:00

whew. today was lots of fun. here's a rundown. jj off to work 12hours. i took the boys to morton for a fun playdate. i wish we could have stayed longer but my mom was stopping by to watch the boys so i could get some food at cub. got groceries, mom left and i started cooking. i made fudge-pretty ugly fudge but tastes ok. all the better to not give it away and eat it myself. then i decided to make vegan chili because it only takes 45 min or so. much yummier with lentils and eaten as a dip with crackers and sharp cheddar cheese. even gus ate beans. then i bathed boys, put on extra layers, got h to sleep 3 times (working on #4) and got out the wrapping stuff. i'm halfway done and i'll stay up til it's done. i found a lot of little boxes to put each item in and it looks like a huge pile of presents, when it's really just a few little things. i'm proud of myself for sticking to small, high quality wooden stuff, and keeping it cash only, AND having a bit of money left over in the budget to spend on our parents.
im so sick of the weather channel. i'm nervous nelly waiting for jj to come home. praying he makes it safe and sound. ice is awful.

im weird

2008-12-17T21:08:00.003-06:00

i worry and over-prepare for everything (have you seen my diaper bag?) because it gives me a sense of security. therefore, the ice storm warning has me itching to get milk and juice in the fridge since we will need them soon. then i worry that the power will go out and we'll lose our freezer full of healthy and expensive food. i would flip out of that happened. we don't do anything canned except beans and tuna for my proteins. i'm worried about jj driving over the bridge at night. i'm also worried that my baby will never go to sleep and then he does. he always keeps me guessing. we're snuggling right now but i have to put him down. i have to do my video and get coupons together for my midnight run to the store. all i want to do is snuggle and knit and play with a toy i ordered for h, i think it's called trix??? it's rainbowy just like the cereal.

fun!!!

2008-12-16T21:44:00.002-06:00

we got up early and put on nice clothes because it was time to see santa! santa doesnt bring presents at our house but he is still fun to talk about. it was already snowing by the time we made it in the mall. so glad i made my babywearing blanket with the hood...we are stroller free now. i hate strollers. gus was mr shy so he sat on jjs knee for the pic. h did all right, but no smile. after that gus wanted to ride the train. he nmade it about 2 minutes before he wanted off. no tears, just shy. i think i didnt do a good enough job preparing him for it. i always make a oint to prepare for things he might view as negative, like leaving the toys at the store, but i didnt think this would bother him. duh, we never go to the mall (or anywhere now that it's flu season)

i knitted this afternoon...very cozy...i'm working on getting different stitches consistent. i love it. i'd be at it now, but i have a needy baby on my lap asleep. gus painted. well, he wasted paint by mixing red and green, washing out the brush, start over...i got him to paint a little by using potato stampers. i remember doing that at brownies when i was little. i carved a heart and triangle so we learned those shapes. that worked until he took a bite out of one potato. he helped me mop the kitchen floor and wash down the cabinets, too. it was nice to do things with him. i hope we get to have our playdate thursday! he's having a good week.

can i whine for a moment

2008-12-15T20:18:00.002-06:00

houston cried forever this afternoon. gus had a NO EAT night after it took me forever to make his food with crabby babies. he took a gigantor dump in the tub, and i had to get him out and clean him up with two crying babies. i tried to get h to sleep for almost an hour. he only had a half hour nap today at 11 so i know he was tired. i gave up and had to put him down on the floor while i put gus in bed. went downstairs to get laundry that has been in dryer all day and i see stella pooped and peed everywhere. i stepped in it. i then spilled her food and water trying to get her in her crate and i had a Moment. i feel terrible for yelling at her but at least it wasn't one of my boys. hudson started crying and did not stop for almost an hour, even while i held him, slinged, pacing. i folded laundry while he cried, talked to my mom and ktd, cry cry cry. it was awful. i finally got him to sleep now, on me, but we are up in my room with no heat. he has a huge stocking cap on and im freezing because he needs to nurse. man i miss the pacifiers. i still havent eaten since lunch or cleaned up anyone's poop.
all of this is blah blah blah and im not teary because of any of that. this is rather personal. i'm crying because i prayed for patience to not express my anger and frustration in front of my kids and it sort of worked, even though stella got the shaft. i heard bad news about a guy i once babysat with ktd. he passed away yesterday. he was one of two brothers, close in age. how horrible for the family. even with all of the crying and poop i am holding my little boy tight. i don't want to take even one second for granted. i cannot imagine...

i love my kids getting in the way

2008-12-14T22:24:00.002-06:00

as if i thought they'd leave me alone for an hour....all i wanted to do was my 22 min yoga video and clean the bathroom, and then i would be supermom or whatever the rest of the day. cleaned bathroom, scrubbed on my knees, sparkling. i asked jj to take the boys in august's room so i could do the stretches alone. 5 min into it stella wont quit humping my leg, so he comes to get her and goes in to give her a bath! that creates such a huuuuge mess that i only do it every few months (lazy too). so then while he's messing up my spotless bathroom, here comes gus with his dumptruck, driving over my legs and bugging me about watching finding nemo. hudson was crawling backwards and getting stuck under a chair. jj just had to pick that minute to wash the pug. why he couldn't have waited a bit i dont know (it had already been weeks! why not wait ten minutes!!) i gave up on the yoga after the third pass of the dump truck. the narrator of the video kept talking about what the "flesh of the buttocks" should be doing during that stretch and it was all twists anyway.
im trying to learn how to knit and everytime i pick up the needles august comes over and is fascinated. i hope he wants to learn someday. he likes to pet the yarn.

good thing i like him

2008-12-12T14:49:00.003-06:00

i was watching chris matthews on msnbc last night around midnight and noticed that hudson looks like him. i don't know if that's a bad thing, but once i made the association i couldn't watch him without thinking of my little dude, who was nursing at the time, so it was weird. um yeah so here are the comparison pics for you to judge.

best christmas album EVER

2008-12-11T21:40:00.002-06:00

on heavy rotation at my house right now.

wish list

2008-12-11T21:08:00.002-06:00

1. to wake at a decent hour without someone else's finger up my nose, in my ear or mouth, or eye
2. to finish my workout without having to pause and nurse or cuddle someone back to sleep
3. for someone else to cook a weeknight dinner and do the dishes.

i'm really easy to please. my sweet boys are finally asleep. we tried visiting the Bus' again today but had to leave early again after only two hours or so. h didn't nap again, i didn't feel like carrying him around, and my mom wasn't feeling well. um no thanks. so, we came home and ate more leftovers that didn't fill me up. i poured through my cookbooks and got three vegan recipes-one i'm adding turkey to-sorry kt :-) and two slow-cooker things that sound delicious. i'm pleased to report that the only ingredients i don't have on hand are the fresh produce and ground turkey... oh, and a random spice that i'll probably never use again. i'm slowly getting a pantry stash of foods together so my grocery bills are going down. the trouble is, my kitchen storage situation is pretty sad so i had jj put up shelving in the basement for things like bagged sweet potatos and pasta. it's official: i am turning into my mother. i just want to expose my kids to foods other than grilled chicken, veggies and mac n cheese. gus thinks couscous is an animal that honks...
tonight i was folding a load of my laundry and gus took a pair of my underpants out and put them on. he thought he was soooo cool. i wish he'd think the same thing about his underpants. maybe i should wear thomas the train underpants so he'd try to be like me.

worst noise ever

2008-12-10T20:36:00.002-06:00

is hudson grinding his three stubby teeth together. uggggg. he has been signing 'milk' or whatever all day long. it took me a long time to figure out what that meant. it was such a DUH moment, because i have been showing the sign to him for months when i remember to, so like every other day or so when it should be every nursing....i wish i would have taught gus some signs besides "more" but i was at work when he was this age. anyway for the longest time i noticed the crazy hand when he'd be tired (duh) and when i knew he was hungry (duh) but i just thought it was a quirk. i don't get much sleep these days i guess :-) he's a smart babe.
both aunt katies stopped by today. what a treat! it was soooooooooo awesome. jeremy worked a long shift again and i had houston, so it was nice to have visits to break up the day. gus had two cookies today, given to him by the two katies. he likes aunt katies!!!

made lemonade

2008-12-09T21:22:00.002-06:00

out of lemons, so to speak. today flew by because i was thinking ahead to what i was going to eat at each snack and meal. when i don't overeat i find that i enjoy the next mealtime more and i appreciate what i'm eating instead of just chowing down. plus, i managed to work it out indoors. we made sugar cookies today. it took all day, and i haven't had one yet. i had an assortment of recipes to use and i picked the one with the least amount of ingredients. gus squished the egg like he always does and then i picked out the shells while he licked raw egg goo off his fingers. he didn't understand why the dough had to chill in the fridge for a few hours though, poor dude. later when i was going to roll it out and discovered i had no rolling pin he wasn't interested because i didn't want him to eat the dough. i flattened it out nicely, thank you, with my hands. i got an A in my college ceramics class. h was very needy today so i had to bake with him in the sling. he had to be held through both naps today. **praying that was a one day thing***
it took me forever to make the icing and color it. finally, at 5, we were icing them. i gave gus three to decorate. i don't let him have red dye so i kept it over by me and he managed to sneak a little bit of red on a gingerbread dude. when i discovered it he ate the leg off. i love his logic. within five minutes he was NUTS. people roll their eyes at my OCD regarding food dye but seriously, if you would have witnessed it tonight it's striking...i will continue being a meanie about it. he was very loving and sweet, just at 110 mph.
hudson went to bed at 630 and gus helped me fold laundry and played until he went to bed at 730. for the first time in a long time he didnt' want me to stay with him and sing! i was sad. he said go bye bye mama. night night. and i got a "shoo" motion, too. :-(

morning tirade

2008-12-09T08:03:00.002-06:00

jj snores. a lot. i counted five times i had to wake him up to roll over and quit sawing logs, and that was just between 145-645am when my alarm went off. then, hudson wouldn't go back to sleep because jj woke him up rolling around on the bed while i tried to tiptoe out of the room. so, no run for me this morning. i was looking forward to having some peace and quiet in the dark cloudy neighborhood. now, it's 8, i am going to shower and then he is off to work early at NINE to get an oil change and i'm alone for the rest of the day. i am so so so thankful for his job, not so thankful for the isolation winter brings.

reluctant but nearly desperate.

2008-12-07T21:16:00.002-06:00

i am looking for support, so if you're reading this, a thought or good vibes would be appreciated. i am being suffocated by anxiety about staying afloat in this economy. i wish i could say that i'm counting my blessings and trusting that it will all work out ok, but i am terrified. this is affecting every area of my life, and i'm starting to "not enjoy doing things (i) used to." what pulled me out of this last time was changing my eating habits, and jj reminded me of that, so we are slowly going in that direction. i have a tendency to go overboard so we are taking it slowly, and there are things i cannot do because i am nursing and i don't want to jeopardize my supply of milk for hudson. this has been in the works for a while but i am finally commited to it because i want to feel better and be a better mom, and this will only happen if i take care of myself. it's so nice to have a partner to go through it with. however, he is in it to win it, and wants to weigh himself all the time, while i have banned scales from our home since we met. so, now you know, and i am having my water, grilled chicken, and veggies, with a little cheese and pasta for hudson too.

mommy!

2008-12-04T21:36:00.002-06:00

gus is growing more and more impatient. he gets that from me, of course. something is off with me, i admit it...perhaps it's my thyroid or perhaps i am pretending i like the holidays. funny how for the past three years i get like this mid-november. i think it's my deep desire to forget everything commercial and hunker down with my babies instead of the overwhelming spree of crap...............in spite of this i still went overboard with the boys on (natural) toys. however, adults are a different story. really, it's all token gifts anyways. what's the point? i'm not donating again after the groans i got last year. sheesh.
soooo....my point is all day was ALL WRONG and i didn't want anything to eat, my coffee didn't taste good, i didn't want to do laundry or go get groceries or anything. it was one of those days where you plow on through until bedtime. i plowed. i got the boys bathed and realized it was 615, definitely not bedtime yet. sigh. gus threw a fit because i wouldn't let him turn on tv yet (only while i rock hudson to sleep) so i offered a list of things to do, and one was 'play cars.' well in his tantrum voice i couldn't understand him and it sounded like he was yelling "BECAUSE!" and getting more and more frustrated with me. i felt bad, but i didn't know what he was talking about until he went in his room, sniffling and got his cars out and started to play by himself. boo. i felt terrible. i continued to feel terrible because i couldn't keep my eyes open to play cars. i had my head in my hands and started to driiiifffftttt oooooofffff
and i hear "MOMMY! NO CRY?" i looked up so he could see i wasn't crying.
"MOMMY! NO SLEEP! PLAY CARS!" ugh. my son the drill sergeant.

this is how we grow

2008-12-03T20:54:00.002-06:00

gus can't hide things well. there's no guessing what is going on with that dude, unlike hudson, who is a big question mark 90% of the time. now that august has the two year old bipolar mood swings i can count on one of two things every mealtime: "GUS NO EAT" or "more please cock cocks more more eat food num num." i was amazed tonight. h had a rough day, really rough with no naps, and houston was crabby toward the end of the day so i got out the frozen chicken and organic mixed veggies. gus nuked everything himself (with my supervision or he'd have cooked the chicken for 13 minutes instead of 1:30). he ate an entire package of mixed veggies and five pieces of chicken. he kept asking for more, so i gave him the serving bowl. it took him almost an hour, but every time i asked if he was done he said no, and i left him be. i felt bad for leaving to get hudson bathed and into bed but h was crying so it had to be done.
after that we played airplane, got pj's on, and snuggled. i always sing to him and try to lay with him a little, even if it's for a few minutes. tonight i snuggled in his little bed and rubbed his back until he was sound asleep. i never have that luxury because hudson is usually up still, but now that i put him down first i can stay with gus. it's priceless time that i missed so much. given his appetite this week, i'm expecting him to gain a few inches soon. the snarling green monster that is Two Year Old was not out today. i'm glad i'm able to keep my perspective on this so far.

today was a lot of things

2008-12-01T21:19:00.003-06:00

i am Mom today, not wife, and i'm sorry. some days i can't do both. yesterday i was Mom too, and when the last babe finally quieted at 930 i just wanted to be all alone with no one talking to me. i got in the shower, and stood there still hating the way i just wanted to be alone.
once i get my wish, i find out it wasn't what i needed. silly, frustrating, jello jiggling, a little bit ridiculous for being so angry at my children for their hysterics when i was having my own little freak out fest in my brain...i am uncomfortable in my own skin lately. i woke up in the same way. it was a good day to fight with comcast, i suppose. i got our bill down from 109.79 to 44 something, keeping internet and ADDING digital cable and new lines to the house. all hail the crabby mom, i know i know...apparently if you use words like 'unacceptable' and 'gentleman' you can get what you want instead of my usual route like i took last time R RATED BLOG MOMENT> "you can have your damn box and you can go to hell if you think i'm paying to replace your flipping lines"
this super rate is good for 6 months, at which time we will finally end our cable. i was prepared to months ago, jj was not, and today was supposed to be the day. i feel guilty? even if i don't let gus watch tv, it's still there, tempting me.

i know i wrote an angry poor me post about how i think i look fat, and i do still think that. i am stuck in the limbo of breastfeeding and needing to eat fats and things. this is a short time of my life where i am sacrificing my self confidence to nourish my son, and it is nice to see how i am able to supply all of his food even at almost 9 months. he keeps trying little bits of things but isn't interested. i am interested, though, in water, grilled chicken and endless bowls of green peppers. on the outside i look all better but it never ever ends. i will not be in our christmas cards this year. and i'm still furious with my brother.

holiday prep

2008-11-28T15:56:00.002-06:00

we had our James thanksgiving yesterday and my side is coming on sunday, so i got to work today a little bit. hudson is working hard on that tooth so he helped me cut up carrots. as i dried them on a towel i noticed how lovely they looked. the color and light in the kitchen were awesome. i also made the potatoes and they are all in the fridge. our menu is honey glazed carrots, party potatoes, broccoli casserole, honey glazed ham, stuffing, rolls, scalloped corn and apple crisp. enough for 5 adults and one little dude? so, leftovers served at five on monday if you're hungry.

we put up the tree and assorted decor today. because of my fear of clutter i took half of it down as soon as i put it up. i'm just planning ahead for the assault of holiday themed crafts and painting gus will do and i just have to display that, too. as soon as houston is back and i'm not feeling frazzled we will all craft together. i adored everything august brought home from his days at salvation army, even if the teachers did most of it.

there is so much to do this weekend that i just said NO to lots of things in order to focus on my boys and keeping our routines as much as possible. tomorrow will bring chaos, no matter what i do to prepare, so today we skipped parades and consumerism in favor of staying in. jeremy is at work *sniff* so i'm a little lonely. i think it will be craft night though, since gus is asleep. i'm making Grandma's Spaghetti since it's friday. yum yum yum yum yum yum.

thnxgvng

2008-11-27T22:03:00.005-06:00

great relaxing day. inlaws but much quieter. we spent the afternoon bundled up outside, exploring the barn and riding the buck (john deere 4 wheeler). h napped in the sling all warm n cozy. i found an old set of wooden salad bowls that i got to take home!they are great, solid wood not the woven kind. i also found a Roller Racer 2000 which a certain neighbor of mine had growing up-super awesome!!! i left it there, sadly, but someday it will come home with me.

we came inside later and played and chatted. the drive home was silent thanks to the dvd player the boys got from my parents for an early gift. LOVE it, even as anti tv as i am.

h cut tooth #3 this morning and hasnt made a peep. he tried turkey and noodles today but didnt like them. good times. tomorrow our tree goes up.

list of fun stuff

2008-11-25T21:35:00.002-06:00

I promise this isn't random. It makes me sound like an old man. These are the things I hope my boys enjoy during their childhoods:
-flashlight tag in the neighborhood
-overnight camping with a parent like I did with Brownies
-soggy cheese popcorn-covered fingers at the swimming pool
-tents indoors that stay up for days
-backwards day/pj day/reading day
-home-made play dough (coming soon!)
-gardening with grampa
-rides in the country
-various "sales" to earn money-toys, lemonade, fortune telling, pretty rocks
-boxing with giant gloves and life vests on while jumping on a trampoline (I was Hulk Scheirer)
-real tree climbing. very important to have a special tree
-journaling. i still do this obviously
-last day of summer vacation fun day
-make your own recipe fun in the kitchen. i loved this
-a car ride where you tell dad where to go, for hours
-exploration of fields, woods, streams (definitely started this!)
-friday nights at pizza hut and k mart! woohoo!

I hope to add more to this list.

it was supposed to rain.

2008-11-24T20:45:00.003-06:00

no dice. i gathered sticks for our centerpiece and gus put it all in a glass bowl for now. i wanted leaves but they are too messy for a toddler who wants to take it apart and put it back together all the time. my mom is going to give me some fabric leaves instead. she is the sweetest-she stopped by unexpectedly with a fresh wreath for my door. it's gorgeous and smells wonderful! that wreath on my door means so much to me-it means we're home and we're ok. we're healthy and happy and growing. last year i ached to decorate (my first holiday season in our home!) but i couldn't. everything was so up in the air and then the day after thanksgiving jj's best friends had their baby 9 weeks early. she was in bed with the same issues i was and it really hit home how lucky we were (are). i fought so hard for that pregnancy and every week when i'd get my fun sono to measure millimeters we'd check off that week of risks and set a new goal of another week.
i know i go on and on about it but being near thanksgiving has me focused on what i am thankful for the most, my dudes. people who don't know me will see two chubby smiling boys but may not know what it took for them to be the way they are. i suppose everyone has that story and i am no different. my poor parents had a journey years long that led them to me, finally...and then to my brother....
i'm off to call my mom and thank her for everything.

oooh it's pouring

2008-11-23T21:55:00.004-06:00

i'm bumming around on etsy looking for a new wallet. i don't have one right now! debit card and license in my back pocket is what i do now. here are a few old photos i found. seeing them makes happy. i may have looked better but i'm happier now in our house with two boys. working was hard on gus.

weekend mish mash

2008-11-23T21:01:00.003-06:00

friday was a trip to the beefer with my parents and the boys. gus was NORMAL again. everyone said "terrible twos" but my gut wasn't feeling it. we are back in business. it took five days to recover from last weekend. i feel bad that he was so out of it at the playdate. we'll try again. my mom bought him a simple little toy horse that he absolutely loves. its private parts are painted brown and gus thinks it's hilarious that the horse "pooped."

yesterday jj worked a four hour shift so we cleaned the house and then he was off. the boys napped while i worked out some more activities for gus for school. i'm trying each one out before i commit to it because some of them take a lot of involvement. one was obviously cooking, but he did 95% of it. i helped place the num nums but he told me how to spell it out. hudson was scootin all over the place. he is working on teeth still, so drooling everywhere, but he is totally fine. god bless the amber necklace. he is the cuddliest and jolliest baby i've ever seen. when jeremy got home from work we made a fort for gus. he asks for it every day now. i got in it with him and got stuck so we giggled a lot. after they went to bed i dyed my hair and chatted with jj.

today we went to metamora. it was hard to leave the "house" but he was ok with it when i said we'd go on a treasure hunt when we got there. i threw hudson in the mei tai and we got a treasure bag and took off. i was hoping he'd collect nice stuff for a waldorf inspired centerpiece and mr gus didn't disappoint! i will post a pic of it when we make it tomorrow. it was "brrr freezy" so red cheeks and hot coffee for me. we dug through some of my stuff that is still over there and i found a neil diamond cd. i LOVE him. anyway, it was lovely and relaxed and TV FREE! we're on our way. i cut up a mango for everyone at dinner and hudson enjoyed it. he only eats what he can pick up so it's a bit of this and a handful of that, still, at 8.5 months. isn't he gorgeous? after august's bad week it was so nice to have our simple calm weekend together. i have the longest thank you list ever this year. if i can get around to it i'll post it.

gus had friends over

2008-11-20T20:25:00.003-06:00

i like how that sounds. i think this was a bad week for friends over, due to his,um, intensity...however i though it would work and it did. he got a little weird at the end but perked up for a snack and watching milo and otis. that's another movie we dug out. anyway it was so much fun to have laura and her boys over and get out all the toys. we ate a toddlerific lunch and then moved from space to space. my house seems big enough to me until all of the toys are out :-) i really enjoyed the conversation. that is like gold to me. i try not to isolate myself here but it's difficult now with the cold weather and early bedtimes.
we looked at the "Secret Passage Way" into my attic, which isn't as cool as it sounds. i think simon was expecting what i would have at five years old. i had an obsession with that kind of thing when i was little. we played dinos, train thingys, cars....
august did pretty well with meltdowns until dinner time. he was sooooo tired after they went home so i made him a nest on the floor and put hudson to sleep and i got to WORK on the toy situation. in under an hour i had it all organized, including the closet. i have a pile, smaller than i'd like but i have an up-and-coming toddler, to sell or donate. we are blessed with so many things, 95% gifts, but there is too much for him to play with. the basement stuff is separate because it's for when he's older, and i have a crapload of baby toys in their own bin, but august is in between it all. we don't play much with toys anyway, we paint and dance and cook. i secretly hate playing with toys so i'd rather do the unschooly stuff with him and leave the cars to dad.
to laura: thank you so much for a wonderful day and inspiring me to get some toys out of the house.

OH i almost FORGOT!!!

2008-11-19T21:39:00.002-06:00

it's finally (almost) holiday season and i get to watch my most favoritist movie ever, ELF!!! i'm like the nerds obsessed with star wars; i've seen it countless times. i have two copies, and i was so so so excited to put that in today because we decided to watch a movie. they both wouldn't work in our dvd player! i am so disappointed. jj groans a lot if i bring that movie out to watch unless it's close to the holidays. i could go on for days about how much i like it. i need another copy STAT. i want gus to call jj Papa Elf.

gus-isms

2008-11-19T21:32:00.002-06:00

we hung up thanksgiving cutouts today. turkey goes "boggle boggle" and there is fruit in the "corn-oo-poop-ia."
it was a very very nice day with playdoh and painting.

i like to move it move it

2008-11-18T21:59:00.003-06:00

that damn song is everywhere right now because of the new madagascar movie. we don't do hardly any tv here except for sesame street. we watch two movies: finding nemo, and as of last week, madagascar. now that the second one is in the media and at mcdonald's, cough cough we have to have everything madagascar. i got gus some cock-cocks on sunday to attempt to make him happy and it came with a toy from the movie that sings that move it song. someday i pray that it will leave the loop in my tired brain.
tired. i am so tired and just generally beat-down tonight. the stress of the weekend has not left august, so we are still dealing with him. after i got him to sleep i called my mom and cried. i rarely ask for advice from anyone but i was desperate. practicing gentle discipline is hard and i needed backup.
i love my mom. she squeaked past a huge health scare today so i'm beat down from being alone with my worry about her. i cannot imagine not having her there to call and cry to and getting the response of "eat your pasta and turn on the country music channel. there's a woman bedazzling her yellow wedding dress on redneck weddings!" really, she did offer more (great) advice. sometimes the simplest answer is the best answer. get the child outside. as much as possible. outside.
i'm going to dry my tears and eat my Mandy Surprise. if you want to know what that is ask me because it's DELICIOUS and "on sale" at krogs this week.

another first

2008-11-17T20:24:00.002-06:00

houston "called in sick" so i had the day off. i chose to clean and get a few errands done. i went out to lunch with anna while hudson snoozed all cuddled up in the sling. he finally cut his first tooth overnight. he has been biting while nursing (ow) and if i so much as wince then whomever is near me has to try to convince me to wean him. it's annoying, almost as annoying as being bitten. so there's another thing i'm not allowed to mention. anyhoo, poor babe was a huge mess tonight. he woke from his nap while i was fighting with UHC about a hospital bill that will take all of our christmas money and he didn't stop until after 6. i held him while he cried, through making gus dinner which he did not eat. i sat him in my lap while he cried and i bathed gus with one hand. he sat next to me and cried while i put on gus' pajamas.
then i got out the motrin. i have only given it to him twice in his life. i am anti. it's full of flavoring and nastiness that makes him "wired" instead of solving the problem. however, he has his amber teething necklace on, had taken several teething tablets, and the magic boobs weren't even working anymore so i knew it was time for the big guns.
he quieted down a little so gus and i wrote letters (he can spell and read his name!!! and MOM too!!!) and then it was fussy time again so i got in bed and snuggled with him. august just got a major diaper rash and runny nose about a week before he would cut a tooth, and wake up at night. i don't know what's worse.

back from decatur

2008-11-16T21:18:00.002-06:00

it was interesting. it wasn't relaxing. my little one did not sleep, therefore i did not sleep. when the first ray of sunshine hit the window at 6 something, august woke up. i got jj up and i went to bed alone. bliss! i missed breakfast, and when i got up two hours later it seemed like i had slept for hours and hours. my FIL made me coffee. dear, sweet man didn't have to ask if i wanted it, he just started brewin. the rest of the time was fine. august screamed from bloomington on home and then until he fell asleep at 8. my eye just quit twitching. you know, i really hate it when people do things in front of him and then expect him to not copycat. his need to replicate everything we do is a gift, not something to be stifled, and certainly not a way to tease him. a two year old will not "juggle" he will "throw" so don't continue to ask him if he can juggle and then admonish him for throwing.
they weighed themselves and then the boys. i declined. that is twisted. gus is up to 30.5lbs! yay! and hudson is at 21.5. he was 18.3 at six months, so he is doing just fine on my breast milk, and in no need of flippin cereal. there is no nutrition in cereal.
i was made aware of a good deal on a britax carseat so i bought one. i'll let gus use it. he deserves it. he works hard to be a big brother.

sigh sigh sigh sigh

2008-11-14T21:56:00.005-06:00

never have both of my boys been so...awful...at the same time. poor houston was ready to get out of here tonight. he handled it well. my parents stopped by after boys went to bed and they brought matching outfits for our weekend out. i do love traveling to the inlaws but it is a lot of work. i normally do a lot of laundry over sat/sun. so, to keep us from being behind sunday night i hurried to get it all done today. plus, i need to do diapers yet tonight because i have to bring those along.
i don't know what was 'up' with my dudes. it wasn't that i was too busy and not connecting enough, because i didn't do anything except laundry. i didn't cook, fold laundry, etc...i just played on the floor and took turns with each boy. plus, august did his no eat thing and wanted to be touching me all day. that's fine with me, but it was very exhausting. he said "peace out" to adam and houston. he doesn't say i love you yet but he did say mama love. that was my favorite part of today.

ETA::::: i just skimmed that last post i made. i'm dumb because writing crap like that is just asking for a day like today. i got what was coming, i suppose!

sick day #2

2008-11-11T20:20:00.002-06:00

im seriously getting so bored. i like to mix it up a little more than this. jj is at work from 10-midnight so unless the phone rings, which it rarely does, i am alone. i made all kinds of random food today for something to do, like krispy treats (gus helped), pasta, pork loin, sweet potato...can you tell both boys napped today...
i listened to the rain fall with a sleeping baby next to me snoring since he is stuffed up. it was so dreary out but i adore that kind of weather. when gus woke up we snuggled and giggled on the couch for a while. he gets the best bedhead. we are going to the inlaws this weekend for our second overnighter. i will be able to pack lighter because we don't need but one bib this time!

tomorrow will be more of the same so i need to get a project going or i will go nuts. i want to make a walrus.

sick day

2008-11-10T21:55:00.002-06:00

it wasn't so bad. i roasted a chicken and we played with blocks. august separated them by color. i wish i had a picture of that because it was gorgeous. he and i shared a piece of the pumpkin pie he and grandma bus made yesterday. on election night i made him a hemp doll to keep my hands busy, and also because he didn't have a doll. i haven't put a face on it or made clothes for it yet, and i assumed he wouldn't pay too much attention to it. however, he calls it Bill or Joe or BillJoe depending on his mood. when i went in to cover him up an hour ago he and JoeBill were snuggled up and it made me smile.

i made hudson a christmas owl, but it turned out to be a sick day owl. august thought it was neat and when i was starting it out by handsewing the eyes and beak thing on the brown flannel he knew it was going to be an owl from just those pieces. i was plannning on putting it away to give to hudson at christmas but he loved playing with it! the contrast of the eyes really kept his attention this evening. i promise that pic isn't staged at all! notice august's outfit. i put the pants on and had him choose his shirt. he said it was "same." good boy! he had rosy red cheeks and was extra lovey tonight, so i think his runny nose is on the way, too.

should have stayed home

2008-11-10T14:38:00.003-06:00

we went to the api meeting, though i was not looking forward to it. a certain thread on their message board is what prompted me to lash out previously, and i was nervous because of that. it's pointless to post anything on that board anyway because i'm not out to change anyone's beliefs, really, because i would tell myself to STFU if i was. does that make sense? do unto others...
giving peace a chance, we went and participated in the discussion about defending our parenting choices to disapproving family members during the holidays. i am so thankful i don't have to deal with that issue. i asked jj what he would do if someone were to ask him and mock us, and he said he'd say, "Get bent." there you have it. love him.
hudson is sick now. we were at my parents' house last night and he sneezed once. that's all it took and i knew right away he'd be sick. all night long, he cried and tried to nurse but he couldn't breathe. my poor little one. now he is happy as a clam with a runny nose. i tried to get him to take a nap. no dice, so that's why i'm posting now. i hardly slept. all i want to do is snuggle with him. i guess i'll work on his christmas owl.

srsly

2008-11-08T01:06:00.002-06:00

i was looking for a certain psalm and too lazy to go downstairs to get jj's bible off the bookshelf...and i found lolcatbible.com on google. i am trying not to pee my pants i'm laughing so hard.

ok seriously???

2008-11-08T00:16:00.003-06:00

people have enough time to write to the general public about how this country is "all over" and will be "run into the ground" and they are "so scared" but have not taken the time to really educate themselves on what exactly our president-elect is about? i've been really non-judgemental and agreeable up until i was hit with the sore loser fear reaction. give me a break. i was pro-mccain until a few months ago when the negativity and palin bs started. i was an almost undecided voter and mccain decided for me. i want unity and peace and sometimes you have to think outside the box and try something new by taking a risk. i was not convinced the republican party wouldn't be more of the same, or the near-same, and my children deserve change sooner than later. i'm just sad that obama's beautiful victory has inspired the unnecessary drama of mccain losers now coming out of the woodwork warning everyone else about Doom. this sounds really stupid, but on that dr phil show the guests always defend their actions and he asks if it was working for them. NO. i needed more from mccain than jumping on the Change bandwagon and joe the plumber. i'm not an idiot. i got into yale.
i will not further the drama i speak of. let it please rest in peace. as gus says, "PEACE IN!"

and they didn't need me. boo.

2008-11-06T20:08:00.002-06:00

there was a pretty big First in our house tonight. we had a good day today; just gus and i went to the market to get things for home made sloppy joes (ground turkey breast=yum) and london broil. we dawdled and looked at the colors and choices. it was fun! h slept all afternoon, so i had august practicing his dump and pour skillz with lentil beans. he stuck some on his face and got them EVERYWHERE. it was a pleasure to clean up because it is such a good activity for him. attention span is hard to work on, but he sat and poured from container to cup etc for almost a half hour without my assistance. i just watched.
anyway after dinner i had to vaccuum due to the lentiliciousness of the carpet. can you believe i made up that awesome word?? since we have two munchkins scootin around i didn't want them to be eaten. houston ate grass the other day when we were outside. oops. well, i put hudson in august's room so he could take all the instruments and cars out of their crates. he loves doing that, and august went in to help. i vaccuumed, they were having fun. i cleaned the kitchen, still having fun. chatted with mama bus, still ok in there. they played together and jib jabbed for 45 minutes!
most people would be so excited that their high needs baby was finally ok to be alone for periods of time but not me. i am a high needs mama, that's why i practice AP. i am very happy to have witnessed my boys interacting and loving each other and sharing toys. they are growing up, sighhhh....hopefully they still get along great when hudson is ready to be out of our bed. i want them to share that room so i can have a sewing room/office/other baby room.

pinch me

2008-11-05T20:24:00.003-06:00

because i feel like i'm dreaming. everyone is writing about how they feel about the election, so i thought i'd throw in my .02. a wise person i sort of know said that she would have voted for mccain if obama wouldn't have been so inline with her ideals and need for connection in this country. i totally agree. i voted a split ticket for the local elections, but i had no question about voting for obama. people like him make me nervous, however, because they get blown up to be more than human. he has a huge, unprecedented list of Expectations to fill after this campaign. i'm so glad i stayed up to witness his speech and see rev. jesse jackson and the thousands of people drawn to grant park. honestly, this is the first time i've felt patriotic that i can remember.
this election has brought me closer with my husband. previously we have viewed politics from opposite ends of the spectrum. i'm usually a totally lefty nutcase, and he was brought up in a farming household. he and my mom got into it several times in '04, so i was shocked and amazed at how open and interested in others'viewpoints he was this time around. we always used our daily walks with the boys to discuss the campaigns and i'm going to miss the banter. all politics aside, i witnessed the best thing about jj: his ability to listen and gather information and truly make an authentic decision based on his own beliefs. this side of him generally shows up when i hear "i will do whatever i want to" but it was wonderful to experience these months with him.

my mom called me after the election was called and congratulated me on being alive during this. how right she is. it's sad, but so many around me were quietly racist and condescending when i was growing up. she kept me from becoming that way, though, and i'm very thankful of that. i look forward to telling august and hudson about the night O-mama was elected. Also, he met Jehan Gordon the night before she was elected as the first female African-American in her position. how amazing.

hudson's first time at the polls

2008-11-04T19:24:00.002-06:00

can you believe someone expressed concern as we waited in line that h might get fussy if the wait was too long???
"what are you going to do if he gets fussy? he can't stay in that scarf (sling)"
"none of your business"
i should have said i'd whip my boob out, but i knew i didn't need to, as he fell asleep soon after.

my mind is on prop 8, and the bs going on in colorado.

go obama!!!

today was NUTS

2008-11-03T22:37:00.002-06:00

but we spent a lot of time outside, enjoying the mild weather. this afternoon there was a knock on the door and here jehan gordon was on my doorstep. it was weird to see her in person because she looks so...normal...and nice, too. august came to the door and performed his "Omama" routine for her and she gave him a postcard with obama's picture on it. we are planning on walking to the church to vote tomorrow. i'm nervous! i want it to go my way.

i didn't expect hudson to get so big, so fast. he has almost outgrown his primm n proper diapers. sad. i love those diapers because they are all hemp. i bought some new ones, unused, but secondhand. they are from a local mom so i know i can always sell if i don't need them. i should be making my own but it is so hard to sew with PUL. i do need to make some pullups for gus. i am tired of buying them, even if they are just to wear at night.
i'm going to bed now to snuggle with my teething baby boy. he was the calmest of my three today, if that gives a little insight on how much work i did today.

babysitters!

2008-11-01T23:54:00.002-05:00

we had them! and we went Out! for beer and wings! true, i did get the 'call' after only an hour and fifteen minutes but since i dont drink anymore unless kt is here i was tipsy off of the beer and a half i chugged down. it has been a long time since i've been anything but sober around my parents and it felt weird. i had to get hudson back to sleep without nursing but it's not too hard now that he is so big. that's why i wanted to wait to do something like this until he was bigger and easy to soothe, as i can't pump milk for him.
parents left and we kept on drinking and eating halloween candy. the more i eat the less sugar august consumes. it was so so nice to get away with my husband and have fun.

2008-11-01T16:50:00.002-05:00

took some pics of the kids because the light was beautiful. they wouldn't look at the camera and smile at the same time so here are the attempts. the light changed while we were doing it so it was a waste of time. my favorite one is the one with hudson's eyes closed.

Hudson's first Halloween

2008-10-31T22:06:00.003-05:00

I didn't do much for his first Halloween. It's not second child syndrome, because I didn't for August then, either. He had his pumpkin shirt on and stripey pants. Next year we will do a costume, hopefully made by me. August was COOKIE MONSTER, of course. He fell asleep on the way to Metamora so we weren't too sure he'd be good for trick or treating. We ate dinner and took them out later. Hudson fell asleep in the mei tai immediately and Gus caught on really quickly that if he knocked on the door and provided some general cuteness he'd get candy in his pumpkin bucket. It's the same bucket I used as a toddler.
It was neat to take him out. Last year I was stuck in bed for his first ToT and it made me sad. We took him down a street in Metamora that I always went to for Halloween. It brought back a lot of memories. We met up with Sydney and his parents and then everything was so much more fun. Sydney was Superman, and after they'd collect their goodies they both asked for mamas and we'd continue on. I feel bad that I didn't take a lot of pictures but it was a chaotic night. I'll try to post one later tonight.
I'd like to give a shout-out to the Wilburs' on Davenport street: they had a special bucket for the little ones and gave August Halloween pretzels, goldfish and raisins. Awesome. We went no-sugar and I had fun size play doh to hand out, but we left before we had any trick or treaters.